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Relationships & Sexuality Advice? I-Told-You-So's? Confusion? Rabid Parents? Stick it in here and smoke it. Boys welcome too!

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Old 25-08-2004, 02:38 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #61
hasselbrad
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"Hey, how about this Kerry campaign, huh? He gets up on stage and on one side he has a man he saved from drowning and on the other side he has Ted Kennedy!"
- Comedian Rich Vos
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Old 26-08-2004, 06:09 PM   #62
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a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, the rabbit hopes over a magic log and a leprachaun (spelling don't care) pops up between them and says that he will grant them each three wishes.

bear: "well i am going first cause i am bear, i wish for every bear in the entire country to be female, and i want them all to love me."

lep: "alright it's done"

rabbit: "i wish i had a little motorcycle i can ride through the woods."

lep looks at him wierd but agrees

bear: "i wish for every bear in the entire continent to be female and i want them all to love me."

lep agrees to that as well

rabbit: "i wish i had a little helmet i can wear while riding my little motorcycle"

still not seeing his reasoning, the lep agrees

bear: "for my last wish, i wish for all the bear in the entire world to be female and i want them all to love me."

meanwhile rabbit starts up his little motorcycle puts on his helmet and is already to go, "for my final wish," he starts to drive away and yells "i wish for bear to be gay."
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Old 26-08-2004, 06:20 PM   Senior Registered Member #63
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Dentist

A man goes to the dentist for a root canal, and right when the dentist is about to give the man the novacaine shot...

Man: Wait, wait! I'm terrified of needles.

So the dentist puts the needle down and prepares the nitrous oxide gas, and when he is about to place the mask on the man's face...

Man: Wait, wait! I'm claustrophobic.

So the dentist puts down the mask and leaves the room. He comes back with two blue pills.

Man: Those look like Viagra

Dentist: Well, you're gonna need something to hold onto when I start drilling.
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Old 26-08-2004, 06:28 PM   #64
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what's the difference between a truck load of dead babies, and a truck load of bowling balls?



i can't unload bowling balls with a pitch fork.
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Old 28-08-2004, 04:49 PM   #65
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Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.
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Old 28-08-2004, 04:56 PM   #66
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Old 30-08-2004, 02:32 PM   #67
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This was an email i got...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

SEND OR SHOW THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
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Old 30-08-2004, 02:39 PM   #68
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A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
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Old 30-08-2004, 04:39 PM   #69
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Old 30-08-2004, 05:37 PM   #70
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistikle
Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
here's a funny one, a guy gets in a pretty bad car accident (should prolly be dead) and loses complete sight in left eye because of airbag.

moral of the story: air bags suck ass
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Old 30-08-2004, 10:40 PM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Officer #71
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I know this isnt something I would usually post, but its funny anyways....

Jacques, the Parisian cabdriver, picks up Buck from Texas at the airport in Paris. Buck has never been to Paris before and is here on business, but he doesn't have to be at his business meeting for a little while, and he can't check into his hotel yet.
"Show me the sights," Buck tells Jacques.
Jacques drives the cab by the Louvre Museum.
"Holy smokes!" cries Buck, "What kind of building is that?!"
"Ahhh, that is the Louvre. A fine museum filled with all of the great works. It's taken the French 5'000 years to get it to be what it is today."
"5'000 years?" Buck asks, amazed. "2-3 years tops in Texas."
Jacques rolls his eyes and drives towards Notre Dame.
"Whoa! What kind of building is that?!"
"Ahhh, that is Our Church....our Notre Dame, with the beautiful stained glass. Took the french 250 years to build."
"250 years?! Four months tops in Texas."
Next, Jacques takes him past the Eiffel Tower.
"Whooooaaa! What kind of building is that?"
Jacques peers out his window. "Oh, I do not know! That was not here yesterday!"
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Old 31-08-2004, 12:26 AM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #72
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Two Tennessee hillbillies get married, and on the first night of their honeymoon, Junior is pretty nervous. He ain't never had relations with a woman and he's wound pretty tight. After a few minutes of nervous kisses and carressin' LuLu rolls him offa top a her an' says, "You ain't never done this before, have you?"
"Naw LuLu, I reckon I ain't."
She says, "Junior...ain't nothin' to it. You just put that thing you play with where I pee."
So Junior gets up and throws his bowling ball in the sink.

***rimshot***
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Old 31-08-2004, 12:55 AM   Senior Registered Member #73
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huh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelsey
I know this isnt something I would usually post, but its funny anyways....

Jacques, the Parisian cabdriver, picks up Buck from Texas at the airport in Paris. Buck has never been to Paris before and is here on business, but he doesn't have to be at his business meeting for a little while, and he can't check into his hotel yet.
"Show me the sights," Buck tells Jacques.
Jacques drives the cab by the Louvre Museum.
"Holy smokes!" cries Buck, "What kind of building is that?!"
"Ahhh, that is the Louvre. A fine museum filled with all of the great works. It's taken the French 5'000 years to get it to be what it is today."
"5'000 years?" Buck asks, amazed. "2-3 years tops in Texas."
Jacques rolls his eyes and drives towards Notre Dame.
"Whoa! What kind of building is that?!"
"Ahhh, that is Our Church....our Notre Dame, with the beautiful stained glass. Took the french 250 years to build."
"250 years?! Four months tops in Texas."
Next, Jacques takes him past the Eiffel Tower.
"Whooooaaa! What kind of building is that?"
Jacques peers out his window. "Oh, I do not know! That was not here yesterday!"

Help me out here, I don't get it...
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Old 31-08-2004, 01:54 AM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Officer #74
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Quote:
Help me out here, I don't get it...
The American dude looks at the extremely famous French landmarks and tells the cabdriver that Texas can build it faster and better. So the cabdriver, a little upset but amused at his behavior, tells him that it took the french less than a day to build the eiffel tower, quite possibly the most impressive of the three french buildings.
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Old 31-08-2004, 02:37 PM   #75
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it was a pretty good one
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Old 01-09-2004, 06:59 AM   #76
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Alright, time for some funny:

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball” So the bartender says, “You’re on.”

The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in again with another bet.

“Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow.” The bartender agrees. So the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.

The next day the same guy walks in and says “Bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without spilling a drop.” So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.

He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks… everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. “You owe me $500!”

“That’s ok,” says the guy, “I just bet those two guys at the end of the bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!”

-----------------------

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn’t hear her correctly and says, “Come again?”

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, “Oh, no it’s just mustard this time.”

-----------------------

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”

-----------------------------

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you

-----------------------------

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

-------------------------

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink.

“Get out!” yells the bartender. “I don’t serve drunks here.”

The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and loudly demands a drink.

“I thought I just told you to get out,” says the bartender.

So the drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He again sits down and angrily calls for a drink.

The bartender walks over to the guy and yells, “I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!”

The drunk looks up and slurs, “Hey, buddy, how many fuckin’ bars do you work at, anyway?”

---------------------------

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

--------------------

John dies and arrives in hell. He’s met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a young college co-ed is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

John tells the devil, “This is more like it!”

The devil says, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!”

John replies, “Yes!”

So the devil walks over to the young woman and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.”
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Old 01-09-2004, 12:47 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #77
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What's the difference...

...between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
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Old 01-09-2004, 05:48 PM   #78
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what is the roof of SM? draw a whip on the wall then throw your girlfriend (/boyfriend) against the wall!
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Old 02-09-2004, 04:16 PM   #79
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Talking Engine Trouble

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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Old 02-09-2004, 04:22 PM   #80
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Talking Looking for my car...

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"
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