Joke

[Mistikle]

The Blonde Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Ardnax]

Originally Posted by Mistikle

Sub-standard School Systems

Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 34 and you're the Principal!

I bet my principal does that!

[kilyncw]

this guy and his girlfriend (both virgins) agree to have sex. but the agreement was only if the guy met his gf's family first.
the guy agrees to come over for dinner that night.

on his way to her house he stopped at a small pharmacy to pick up some condoms in anticipation. but he finds himself wondering what kind or size he should get, there is just too much variety.

the pharmacy clerk notices the guy's frustration and asks if there is anything he can do to help.

guy: "well i am about to have sex with my gf for the first time and i'm not sure what to get"
clerk: "well what's your size?"
guy: "i don't know"
clerk: "well we've all been there, so just let me see and i tell you."

guy gets it out

clerk: "well you look like a medium."

so the guy buys them quite embarassed and goes to the girls house. about an hour passes before dinner is ready. but finally it is.

they are all sitting around the table getting ready to eat and the guy just starts praying. the family just kinda goes with it. for 5-10mins the guy is praying very hard. about 10 more minutes go bye finally the girl says
"you never told me you were so religious."

guy: "you never told me your father was a pharmacy clerk."
________
Orthia

[Hazzle]

Haha...that was good.

[duckula]

Haha...no it wasn't.

[hasselbrad]

Originally Posted by kilyncw

what'd the toilet say to the bath tub?
i get more ass than you.

That reminds me of a funny.
Several years ago, a local shock-jock (whom some of you have probably heard of) by the name of Bubba the Love Sponge had a former Tampa Bay Lightning player on his program by the name of Rudy "The Pie Maker" Poecheck (sp?). At the time, 98 Rock had billboards of the morbidly obese Bubba sitting on the toilet.
Bubba was being a smartass toward Rudy and Rudy was making fun of his weight. At one point Rudy mentioned the billboards and asked what he was sitting on. Bubba shoots back "It's a toilet you dumbass!"
Rudy says "Oh, I thought it was a bathtub," and hung up.
There was about 5 seconds of dead air. Rudy 1 - Bubba 0

[Hazzle]

Originally Posted by duckula

Haha...no it wasn't.

Bah...I was going for the sarcy response...cunt

[kilyncw]

i don't know, dead baby jokes can be quite offensive to some but i love this one.

what's the only thing better than hanging a dead baby from a ceiling fan?

hitting with a bat every time it comes around.


i don't know, pedafile jokes can be quite offensive to some but i love this one.

how do you make your dick look bigger?

put it in the hands of a 5 year old.


i don't know, racist jokes can be quite offensive to some but i love this one.

what's long black and stinky?

the unemployment line. (doesn't count cause i heard it from a black guy, i'm not racist, my nephew and brother in-law are black.)


i don't know, religious jokes can be quite offensive to some but i love this one

how many jewish people can you fit in a car?

4 in the seat and depends on how many ash trays are in the car. (once again, nothing against jewish people, my best friend is jewish and he told me that one as well.)






i swear i'm not sick
________
Big Tits Cam

[Mistikle]

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.

Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island.

As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.

The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.

He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"

[Mistikle]

Never Complain About Your Job Again...

[Mistikle]

[kilyncw]

oh shit, it's still in me.

what's worse than 12 dead babies in a trash can?

1 dead baby in 12 trash cans.


why don't black people celebrate thanksgiving?

cause KFC isn't open.


i'm going to hell for this one i know it.

why was Jesus thrown out of the WWF?

illegal head gear.


and the joke about the spanish guy, black guy, and white guy from boondock saints is knee-slappin' funny too.
________
Weed bubblers

[ChocolateMoose]

The Magic Slide

One day two parents took their young son for a day out in the park. In the centre was a play area which had a slide as its centre piece. It was said that the slide was magical and that whatever you said as you went down it would appear at the bottom of the slide.

The Dad decided to see if this was true so he went down the slide. As he did he yelled "beer" and sure enough, when he got to the bottom he plunged into a huge lake of beer. Next on the slide was Mum. As she went down she yelled "money!" and was rewarded with piles of money at the bottom of the slide. Lastly the little boy sat at the top of the slide and smiled. He pushed on the sides and whizzed down screaming "wwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" ......

[kilyncw]

2 guys walk into a bar.......


........you'd think one of them would have noticed.
________
Coach Handbags

[Hazzle]

In the hopes of actually making this thread funny again...

A man told his friend, "I'm breaking up with Carol."

The friend asked, "What did she do?"

The man replied, "She told me she was bisexual"

The guy said, "That sounds pretty hot. What's the problem?"

"What's the problem?!" The man asked. "Who wants to fuck just twice a year?"

Blonde joke that's actually quite funny:

A blonde persuaded her husband to let her come along on his hunting trip. When they were deep in the woods he collapsed. She took out her cell phone and dialled 911. "I think my husband is dead," she said. "What should I do?"

The operator said, "Calm down. First let's make sure he's dead."

The operator heard a gunshot. Then the blonde got back on the phone and said "Okay. Now what?"

And another:

According to an article in a women's magazine, a lady's sleeping position says a lot about her: Women who sleep on their side are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomach are competent and women who sleep on their back with their ankles behind their ears are very popular .

Y'know how some jokes make you laugh, even though you groan at the same time? This is one of those:

Q: How do asthmatic lesbians breathe?
A: In snatches.

Finally...this one is funny because it's true

Same sex marriage is what you get when homosexual lovers exchange wedding vows.
Some sex marriage is what you get when heterosexual lovers exchange wedding vows.

[kilyncw]

i'm not catholic so i think this one is funny

a priest is in a confession booth and gets a mad case of the runs and has to leave the booth in the middle of a confession.

he asks a member of the church to go sit in on the confessions and just give 10 hail mary's for everything.

the man reluctantly agrees.

a women comes in confessing to performing oral sex.

the guy thinks to himself "man, that has to be worth more than 10 hail mary's." so he opens the door and yells to one of the altar boys "hey, what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

the altar rapidly replies "oh about a bag of chips and a soda."
________
Ifa advice

[hasselbrad]

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen

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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."

Rodney Dangerfield

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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

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Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."

George Burns

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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."

Sharon Stone

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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

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"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

Jerry Seinfeld

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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

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" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

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Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."

Steve Martin

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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Emo Phillips

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" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

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" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

[Mistikle]

A Side Order of Blondes

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

[kilyncw]

another stupid blonde joke

a blonde and brunette are in an elevator having general discussion

an absolutely gorgeous guy gets on, the 2 women make eye contact and get all girly.

but then the brunette notices he has some bad dandruff.

the guy gets off and brunette immediately states "someone needs to give that man some head and shoulders."

the blonde replies "OH YEAH......" pauses, "wait, how do you give shoulders?"
________
Plymouth deluxe specifications

[Mistikle]

A man walks into a bar and yells "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!"

The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says "Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast" The man replies by saying, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have" The bartender says "Oh my god, what do you have??!!"

The man says "Fifty cents"