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Relationships & Sexuality Advice? I-Told-You-So's? Confusion? Rabid Parents? Stick it in here and smoke it. Boys welcome too!

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Old 01-08-2004, 04:45 AM   #21
CollisionStar
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Haha...ok, here's mine...

One day while driving, a young wife turned to her husband and asked "Honey, if I died, would you start dating again?" He thought about for a minute and said "Well, perhaps, but it would take me a long time."

She paused and asked him "Would you marry again?" To which he said "If she was the right person and it was the right time."

She was getting worried now. "Would you let her sleep in our house, like, in our bed?" He again gave an uncertain answer, but implied yes.

Finally she asked "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" He shook his head assertively and said "Oh no, she's left handed."
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Old 01-08-2004, 05:35 AM   Senior Registered Member #22
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KeirazBabe, Princess, and Hazzle are standing in an elevator. They see a puddle of white liquid in the corner of the elevator and and glance at each other curiously.
KeirazBabe leans down and examines it, then stands up and says "It looks like ****."
Princess gets down and sniffs it and says, "It smells like ****."
And then Hazzle gets on his knees, licks it, and says, "Yeah, but it doesn't taste like anyone in this building."




Some names were changed to protect the innocent.
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Old 02-08-2004, 10:41 PM   #23
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Some of those jokes are hilarious
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Old 07-08-2004, 12:55 AM   #24
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Very funny jokes. Keep em coming!

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Old 07-08-2004, 01:10 AM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keira_lover
Very funny jokes. Keep em coming!

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SPAM! Contribute a joke. Oh wait...you posted...nevermind.
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Old 07-08-2004, 12:09 PM   #26
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no offence to blondes!

How can you tell if a blonde's been in your car? There's lipstick on the steering wheel where she's been trying to blow the horn.
--------------------------------------

Theres a blonde, a brunette and a redhead standing at a bus-stop. th redhead sais to the other two
'i'm disgraced at my daughter, i walked into her room yesterdy and found a packet of ciggerettes on the floor, i can't beleave she smokes.'
"I know how you feel" sais the brunette " my i found an empty bottle of vodka in my daughter's room, i can't beleave she drinks!"
"That's nothing" sais the blonde " i walked into my duaghter's room and found an empty condom packet" "NO!" say the other 2 women "Yes" continues the blonde "I can't beleave she has a penis"
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Jackhe's fine just like i promised she's all set to marry norrington just like she promised and you get to die for her just like you promised so really we're all men of our word exept elizabeth who is in fact a woman.

Keira(blooper on POTC after accepting norringotn's proposal)hall i shop for something to wear? Or will it be bare breast and ankles all the way?
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Old 07-08-2004, 07:26 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazzle
SPAM! Contribute a joke. Oh wait...you posted...nevermind.
Nice try Haz.

A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
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One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
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Better grip on the broom.
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Old 07-08-2004, 07:35 PM   Senior Registered Member #28
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How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

1. One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced

2. One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,

3. One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,

5. One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,

6. One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,

7. And finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
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Old 07-08-2004, 07:40 PM   #29
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DELETE...
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Old 07-08-2004, 07:41 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DefyingGravity
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

1. One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced

2. One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,

3. One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,

5. One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,

6. One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,

7. And finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
Genius, simply genius.
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Old 07-08-2004, 07:51 PM   Senior Registered Member #31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha
DELETE...
Delete what?
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Old 07-08-2004, 08:17 PM   Senior Registered Member #32
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Next time the phone isn't for you, tell whoever's on the other line to hold on, blow up a balloon, and pop it, screaming, "AUGH! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!!"
Works every time....
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Old 07-08-2004, 09:36 PM   Senior Registered Member #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frodo1511
Next time the phone isn't for you, tell whoever's on the other line to hold on, blow up a balloon, and pop it, screaming, "AUGH! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!!"
Works every time....
Finally I can use up all those extra balloons I have lying around.
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Old 08-08-2004, 12:32 AM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #34
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Specially for Poggs:

A man, his wife and son are travelling by train from London to Manchester. As they're pulling out of London, the little boy asks: "Are we nearly there yet?". Throughout the journey he carries on asking the same question every couple of minutes. Every time he does, his dad sticks his arm out of the train window, pulls it back in and says, "Not yet". After two and a half hours, the little boy puts in his request for information and the dad puts his arm out of the window, pulls it back in and says, "Nearly there." "How can you tell?" Asks his wife. "Easy," he says. "When I put my arm out of the window that time some thieving bastard stole my watch".

Another one:

Q: If your wife's watch has broken, how do you repair it?

A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

This one has to be said out loud to get it. Specially for the Bush haters out there :

It's a routine diplomatic meeting between the president of the US and the Queen, when the president suddenly goes off on a tangent.

"You know", he says. "I'm getting pissed off with my country, the good ol' US of A, being just a country. I've been thinking of taking a leaf out of your book and changing the name to the United Kingdom of America."

"Well," says the Queen. "I'm afraid that for it to be a kingdom you need to have a king in charge. And you're not a king."

"Shoot," says the president. "How about a principality?"

"That requires a crown prince to be in charge, and you're not a prince"

Goddamn it! How about an Empire?"

"You need to have an Emperor in charge, and you're not an Emperor".

Before the president can say another word the Queen continues: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a country."

Last one:

A builder, a poet and a programmer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses.

The builder said "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship"

The poet said "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there."

The programmer said "I like both".

"BOTH?!" They questioned.

"Yeah," said the coder. "If you have a wife and a mistress they'll each think you're spending time with the other girl, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
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Old 08-08-2004, 01:42 AM   Senior Registered Member #35
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A chick was really sick and needed a blood transplant so her boyfriend gave her the blood. two weeks later they broke up and the guy said "hey bitch, i want my fucking blood back!" so she chucked him a tampon and said "the rest will come in monthly payments"
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Old 08-08-2004, 09:33 AM   #36
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied,

"I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
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Old 11-08-2004, 11:37 PM   Senior Registered Member #37
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god that's funny mistikle! i actually laughed out loud. too bad i dont know any good jokes
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Old 14-08-2004, 06:55 AM   #38
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Talking

ohh thanks, Elijahfan....

Psychiatric Hotline

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer any way.
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Old 16-08-2004, 06:13 PM   #39
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what'd the toilet say to the bath tub?
i get more ass than you.


short and sweet.
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Old 18-08-2004, 01:46 PM   #40
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Sub-standard School Systems

Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 34 and you're the Principal!
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