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Old 13-07-2004, 03:13 AM   Senior Registered Member #1
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Red face My poem(s)

Impossible

To you, I am invisible
To me, you are impossible
I can't describe how much it hurts
When you just walk on by
I can't believe how easily
That tears brought to my eyes
Seem to ache and burn,
They seethe with pain
When there's nothing else to say.
With feelings that go unreturned
I'm withering away.
Though I admit how much it hurts
You won't look twice at me
Although it's always getting worse
You're just a fantasy.
It's terrible how desperately
I'm lead by my own fear
I've cried for you so many times
But you're worth every tear.
As I remain invisible,
You'll forever be impossible.
***********************
Grah. One of the problems with this poem is that it's more narrative than emotional. It's more like a story than a poem. Is there any other constructive criticism, other than what I mentioned? I'd like to work on it.
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Old 13-07-2004, 04:00 AM   Officer #2
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Describe how you are invisible, and how he is impossible to you. There's plenty of imagery to be gained from just describing the two key points of your poem.
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Old 13-07-2004, 04:15 AM   Senior Registered Member #3
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I think then I'd be writing a completely different poem then...
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Old 13-07-2004, 04:57 AM   #4
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Hohohohoooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hohohohoooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Old 13-07-2004, 07:56 AM   Senior Registered Member #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mshari
Hohohohoooooooooooooooooooooooo
.....erm, what?
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Old 13-07-2004, 08:56 AM   Officer #6
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Then your poem should stand as it is. You say it's more a narrative, and it is. But the thing is, what about the story could be described in greater detail? It's definitely possible to keep intact the basics of your poem currently, while adding or omitting certain extras. For one thing, the reason you repeat the first two lines at the end, certainly makes the ideas of invisibility and impossibility the two central themes of the poem. You could run with that and describe in what ways your invisibility reflects upon the impossibility, and vice-versa.

For now, the poem simply stands as a description of what happens, because you are invisible to the object of your affection, and the denial of your unrequited feelings. You cry, and you stand alone, while the object looks the other way. Even with this, you could have a better go at further detail. All I can really say to help is to apply more imagery.

I mean, you don't have to take my advice. But you could simply do this: read each line, and think to yourself, how could you describe that line more. Like, the first line: "To you, I am invisible." Invisible in what way? Are you like a ghost, wandering down the hallways? Are you so small to his view, that you are naturally unseen? And because of this invisibility, you can move further with that. Because you do remain unseen, what chance at requite remains impossible. How impossible is impossible? So impossible, that all the countless, worthy tears that you weep could not fill the void of emptiness within your heart? So impossible, that your dreams carry on incessantly, but you would rather bask in the night than risk a broken heart during the day? It's all a matter of magnitude, I think, when it comes to your poem.

But, it looks good the way it is. Often, it's hard to really look at one's own poem and really tell if it needs work. It's all up to you, Kelly.
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Old 14-07-2004, 12:14 AM   Senior Registered Member #7
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You make WONDERFUL points. Thanks so much for your advice.

mshari, I'm still confused.
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