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Old 06-05-2006, 03:16 PM   #1
nsper7
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The Shadows of Darkness (A Non-KK story; 17+)

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNITED AMERICAN FEDERATION

January 23rd, 2006: First case of avian influenza (H5N1) reported in the United States by a businessman returning from South Korea

January 30th: Avian influenza claims its first victim in the United States, an 89-year-old retiree in Los Angeles, CA

February 7th: Over 250 confirmed cases of avian influenza in the United States; the majority of them in California

February 9th: California declares a state of emergency; National Guard troops called up to try and quarantine flu cases

February 17th: Over 1,000 confirmed cases of avian influenza and 63 confirmed casualties (mostly the elderly and very young)

February 19th: The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) releases information showing the strong possibility of H5N1 being an airborne contagion

February 24th: With an exponential increase in avian flu cases (over 10,000), the Federal government halts interstate travel and grounds all domestic and international flights

February 25th: Number of avian flu casualties reaches 100

March 1st: Riots in numerous major cities (including Washington, D. C. and New York City) over the government’s inability to halt the spread of avian flu prompts a declaration of martial law and immediate quarantine in all urban areas

March 10th: Over 1 million cases of avian flu reported and, due to the incubation period of the strain, the number of deaths reaches 25,000

March 13th: Due to the urban quarantine, over 60% of city dwellers report severe flu-like symptoms

March 25th: 10 million cases of avian flu reported, the majority in larger cities, and the number of victims reaches a staggering 500,000. Local governments petition federal authorities to allow the construction and use of mass crematoriums to dispose of remains.

March 27th: A series of violent clashes occurs between federal troops and various citizen groups; the worst one, in Miami, FL, results in over 1,500 civilian and military casualties.

March 29th: The President of the United States of America is confirmed to have severe flu-like symptoms

April 3rd: Over 3 million people confirmed dead due to avian flu, the President among them.

April 5th: The new President (formerly the Secretary of Commerce) declares that the United State government is unable to halt, or even slow down, the spread of avian flu

April 8th: In 65% of US cities, citizen militias have overthrown local governments and their military detachments

April 11th: With an estimated 175 million confirmed cases and 65 million confirmed casualties (in the US alone), avian influenza tops World War 2 as the most deadly occurrence in modern world history

April 12th: 20-year-old Victor Sparrow, a survivor of avian flu, leads his Independent Militia (IM) and overthrows the government of Gainesville, FL and declares the entirety of Alachua County to be under IM control

April 15th: Influenza cases top out at 210 million (or more than 2/3 of the United States populace infected)

April 20th: IM forces (their ranks swelled by ex-US soldiers, other flu survivors, and numerous new recruits) march on Tampa, Miami and Tallahassee

April 23rd: The governor of Florida officially surrenders to the IM and Sparrow declares himself Shogun of the Independent State of Florida

April 27th: Sparrow’s IM force stage a massive invasion of Georgia, Mississippi and Alabama

May 1st: Although there are sporadic battles, the vast majority of people (either unable to fight or wanting the peace and security that a new government promises) support the IM’s efforts at expansion

May 16th: Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, the Carolinas, Tennessee, and the portion of Louisiana east of the Mississippi River are under IM control

May 29th: After conquering Virginia, West Virginia and Maryland, IM forces encircle Washington, D. C

June 1-6: Battle of Washington, D. C. Casualties among the IM are reportedly as high as 20,000

June 7th, 0900 Hours: The United States government officially surrenders to the Independent Militia

June 7th, 1200 Hours: Sparrow holds a conference with US military leaders and receives their assurances of loyalty

June 7th, 1900 Hours: In a national televised address, Sparrow declares himself Shogun of the United American Federation (which is made up of all former US territory) and dissolves the Independent Militia

June 25th: All former continental US territory is under the firm control of the UAF (either through military operations, diplomatic negotiations or voluntary annexation)
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Old 06-05-2006, 03:19 PM   #2
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CHAPTER ONE: THE VIRGIN LEADER


I remember when I first met Victor, back in high school. He was always a little weird, but a decent guy nonetheless. One time, I asked him if he had a girlfriend, you know what his answer was? The guy said he was ‘Too busy with more important stuff.’ I asked him what could be more important than women?
-Patrick Bradenton, personal friend of the Shogun



June 28th, 2006

Victor Sparrow rubbed his eyes, trying to get the soreness that poring over dozens of pages of extraneous material causes. Of course he wanted to know the strength and readiness of his military, but did he need every damned little detail about the so-and-so Division and the such-and-such Brigade. No, he really didn’t. Now he would have to write up a summary for his diplomatic staff so they’d know how hard a position to take with the Mexicans, Japanese and Canadians.

The executive summary would go something like this:

-160 Army Divisions (1,800,000 troops):

--60 Armored Divisions

--60 Mechanized Infantry Divisions

--30 Light Infantry Divisions

--10 Airborne (Air Assault) Divisions

-50 Samurai Divisions (530,000 troops):

--14 Armored Divisions

--16 Mechanized Infantry Division

--14 Light Infantry Divisions

--6 Airborne (Air Assault) Divisions

-6 Hatamoto Divisions (60,000 troops)

--1st Hatamoto Corps:

---Ashikaga Mechanized InfantryDivision

---Kamakura Mechanized Infantry Division

---Tokugawa Armored Division


--2nd Hatamoto Corps

---Meiji Airborne (Air Assault) Division

---Taisho Light Infantry Division

---Showa Light Infantry Division



Currently, the average readiness for the standard Army is 55-60%, while the Samurai Divisions are at 70-75% readiness and the Hatamoto are at 80-90% combat readiness. Although this would be more than enough to take on any Mexican assault force and the Canadians are not powerful enough militarily to threaten the Shogun’s armies; according to satellite views and pre-pandemic information, the Japanese Self-Defense Forces was at 95% readiness (with better equipment and leadership). Even if you take into account the cost of the flu outbreak (Japan had been very lucky in that regard; their leadership had been smart enough to keep influenza from reaching their shores and spreading), military analysts’ lowball estimates put Japanese readiness at 85%.

Sparrow would have to tell his diplomatic mission in Tokyo to play it easy right now. Although his forces outnumbered the JSDF, he did not have the amphibious capabilities such a war would require and, besides, it was not worth weakening his position. There were contentious cities in his own territory that still had to be quelled and there was also the matter of body disposal. Official estimates put the casualties from avian influenza at almost 120 million.

The Shogun put the troop summary on the traditional-style oak desk (that was one thing he loved about Washington, there was great tradition to everything) and walked around his sizable office, stretching his arms and back. On one wall was a rack of swords parallel to the floor; on the bottom an almost meter long no-dachi, then a 65cm blade katana, a 50cm blade wakizashi and, at the top, a tanto dagger. A vertical rack to the right of the swords held quarterstaff weapons; including a six foot long bo, a four foot long jo, a three foot long hanbo, and a two foot long tambo.

To the right of the vertical rack are more modern weapons in a locked glass cabinet: including an M4 Assault Rifle, a SPAS-12 Semi-Automatic/Pump Actions shotgun, a pair of Uzi SMGs, several handguns and a Pancor Jackhammer (a fully automatic shotgun which uses a drum magazine). Besides the guns, there was enough ammunition for a small army.

On the other wall stood a massive bookcase, with such titles as The Art of War by Sun Tzu, A Book of Five Rings by the great Japanese warrior Miyamoto Musashi, Infantry Attack and The Tank in War by Erwin Rommel, Achtung Panzer by Guderian and various other works by great military leaders. He also had books on the tactics of the World Wars, the Vietnam War, the two Gulf Wars and many other international conflicts.

Sparrow himself seemed to fit right in with the military paraphernalia. He wore a black uniform with insignia on either shoulder (consisting of crossed swords below a diamond). His black combat boots and Beretta 92FS handgun (in a hip holster at his side) were shined to almost perfection. Unlike other warlord-type leaders, Sparrow did not have the plethora of self-awarded medals and decorations.

He strode over to the colonial windows looking out onto Pennsylvania Avenue. Although it was very close (diagonal from his position), numerous trees minimized his view of the majestic White House. Currently, the Shogun occupied Blair House (actually five smaller townhouses combined), which itself had a varied history. President Truman had used it during massive renovations of the White House; much more recently, before the influenza pandemic of course, it had been used as a guesthouse for foreign dignitaries, including British Prime Minister Tony Blaire, Chinese President Jiang Zemin and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak.
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Old 06-05-2006, 03:21 PM   #3
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* * *

Less than twenty minutes later, when a steward showed the two representatives, one carrying an oversized briefcase, from the Council on Moral Affairs into the Shogun’s office, Sparrow was again seated, although this time leaning back slightly in his executive chair, hands clasped in front of him. Without skipping a beat, Sparrow was up, around the desk and shaking both men’s hands warmly.

The Council on Moral Affairs (CMA) had been formed only two days ago by Shogunal decree. CMA; made up of several psychiatrists, theologians (mostly evangelical Christians, with a few very orthodox Jewish Rabbis), medical doctors, scientists, and public health and security officials; was charged with, as Sparrow put it, “Carrying out the war against the evils of sexuality and sin on all fronts.”

“Gentleman, please sit down, can I get you anything?” Sparrow motioned towards the pair of overstuffed couches facing each other across an ornate glass coffee table. Both men nodded in the negative, needing nothing at the moment and sat across from each other. Sparrow, on the other hand, dragged a hard-backed wooden chair from the ‘bookcase wall’ and sat down. The Shogun tried to avoid getting too comfortable in these kinds of meetings.

The two men, Noah Robinson, the 57-year-old Reverend-General of CMA, and Daniel Wiseman, the 21-year-old Delegate Plenipotentiary for the Elimination of Sexual Immorality and the Reduction of Sexuality (DPESIRS), wore white suits with the CMA patch, a Star of David and a Cross intermingled, on their left breast. Although Sparrow’s uniform was black, he wore a white armband on his left forearm to represent his virginity, purity and oath of abstinence (which he had declared in his national address on June 7th).

Noah spoke up first, “Shogun, before we go on, I wish to personally thank you for granting me the privilege of running the Council on Moral Affairs. I only hope that together we can rid society of fornication.”

Sparrow nodded, “That is why I appointed you Mr. Robinson. There are very few people, especially men, who are willing to take a stand and say, ‘Sexuality is wrong.’ You have always been one of those men; I even remember your television show. It gave me solace after my mother died.”

The small talk continued for several minutes before Sparrow finally leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his haunches, “Gentlemen, we could discuss the old days and personal experiences until His return, but we must get down to business.”

Both Robinson and Wiseman nodded as the Shogun continued, “We have been given a unique opportunity. Under normal circumstances, the perverts and fornicators would never have invested power in me, but now, desperate times have allowed me, with broad military backing, to replace the US government.

“Now, we must decide how best to carry out our war.”

Robinson scratched his chin in contemplation before speaking, “First, I think we should enact laws against pre-marital sexual relations, homosexual relations, all forms of birth control and contraception. Second, in order to reduce the dangers of lust, we should create a national dress code, which will prevent, especially women, from wearing provocative clothing, and ban public displays of affection. All nightclubs and bars should be strictly monitored to insure they do not promote illicit activity. Television and movies should be heavily censored to prevent the glorification of sexual activity…”

Wiseman, a bit of a joker sometimes, interjected, “By the time we’re done, the most risqué shows on TV will be Rupert Bear and Pokemon.”

Sparrow and Robinson looked at Wiseman, in an almost menacing fashion, but then they both laughed; the Shogun almost guffawing and Robinson’s eyes tearing up. Wiseman joined in on the laughter after a couple seconds.

After the raucous died down, Sparrow spoke, “All good ideas, Noah, but we must move quickly, lest the perverts gain power again. Remember, our war isn’t just against the perverts, but against perversion. If we arrested every fornicator, pornographer and nymphomaniac in the nation, there would be more to take their places…”

He paused for dramatic effect, “…we must destroy the very seeds of immorality. Do you both understand what I’m trying to say?”

The smiles and silliness off their faces, Robinson and Wiseman nodded somberly. As all three men stood up, Wiseman spoke, “We need a good name for our campaign.”

Both Robinson and the Shogun nodded in agreement as they headed towards the office door, then Sparrow, the proverbial light bulb going off in his head, replied, “Why don’t we borrow from our Muslim friends: a Jihad Against Sexuality?”

At the threshold of the door, Robinson paused and tumbled the idea around in his head for a few seconds before answering, “Inspired idea, sir. Bush had his War Against Terror and you have a Jihad Against Sexuality.”
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Old 06-05-2006, 07:19 PM   Senior Registered Member #4
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This is just boring and silly. You're telling me that a contagious case avian influenza would cause people to riot? Now why would people riot when something killing people is contagious? Rioting because of a disease? That's like us rioting because of AIDS.

The whole get ride of sexuality thing is a little ineresting but just...silly.
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Old 06-05-2006, 09:18 PM   #5
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Remember, Avian Flu is a lot more contagious and kills a lot faster than AIDS. Also, by the time the riots occurred, it was because it appeared the government was not handling the pandemic well. Look at what happened with Katrina...

BTW- if you look back at the Spanish Flu Pandemic of 1918, there were riots, lockdowns of cities, and other extreme measures. By the time the riots occurred, all travel had been halted. Imagine you live in a sector with a high flu spread and you can't get out? As a general rule, when people get scared, they get crazy.
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Old 06-05-2006, 09:23 PM   #6
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Also, how can I make the story less boring? You explained how it was silly and I can understand that: the plot is very farfetched.
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Old 06-05-2006, 11:37 PM   Senior Registered Member #7
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I wouldn't compare it to Katrina since those riots were caused by people looting and what not. Okay you got me on the 1918 thing, but if anything happened like in your story then i'm sure there would be a lot of suicides.

I don't know how to make it less boring i mean is this story actually gonna go somewhere?
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Old 07-05-2006, 03:23 AM   #8
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Yes, there would be lots of suicides, a drastic increase in the amount of depression and anxiety disorders (GAD, PTSD, OCD, etc.), and this issue is addressed eventually.

Also, in regards to 'the story getting somewhere', don't worry, it will. This story pans out to be fairly long so the beginning is spent introducing characters and the general conflict. I hope this is satisfactory to you and the other readers.
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Old 07-05-2006, 05:23 AM   #9
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The writing it's self isn't so bad. Yet it has to go some where. You can't just have descriptive writing with tons and tons of go no where paragraphs. You need to get to the point quicker. All the stuff you posted could have been summed up MUCH quicker.
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Old 08-05-2006, 02:31 AM   Senior Registered Member #10
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I remember what i sort of wanted to say before. It seems like everything happens far to easy. I mean you just say in that "brief" history that the people rebel and just take of D.C. like it was nothin'. I don't like how you have everything move so fast. If i was writing this story i wouldn't have written the history. I would have it unfold as it went along and you would learn how this strong Christian group came to power.
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Old 08-05-2006, 02:52 AM   #11
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I have thought about that myself and you have a good point; the problem is that too fix that I'd have to rewrite the story and I would Rob's point about me never finishing stuff.

Also, it wasn't the rioters that seized Washington, DC. All the riots did was damage the infrastructure and make things more difficult for the government; Sparrow's militia was much more organized.

Anyway, I hope to have the next chapter done in a couple of days. I have had a bad cold for past few days and I haven't slept well.

Even though we can both agree that there are serious problems to the story and they will be fixed in a revised version, are you still interested in further chapters?
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Old 08-05-2006, 10:14 PM   Senior Registered Member #12
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Why don't you complete a story and then post it. I wouldn't post a story while i was writing it. Maybe a chapter by chapter but i'd at least have the majority of the story roughly writtin out.
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Old 09-05-2006, 03:08 AM   #13
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I have the basic outline for the story; the basic ideas for characters, plot and resolution thereof. For me, it is mostly getting my mental images and conceptualization onto paper (or monitor in this case )
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Old 09-05-2006, 08:55 AM   Lifetme Service Award Officer #14
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Alright.

I think it's a decent plot: I like the way in which the story seems to be heading. However, (isn't there always a "however?") go easy on the bloody lists. There's nothing wrong with a good list to set out the context in which your story takes place, but it goes on and on and on and on, after which you repeat some of it in the prose that follows. Summarise, my friend. We know how fast an epidemic spreads, but we don't need to know every step along the way. Focus on the important events, leave out the "in the mean time" death count.

In your prose, you tend to sum up a lot as well - try to keep that to a minimum: focus on where it's really relevant and necessary to the story. A list must be important enough to disturb the flow of events for. If observations are needed, try to lose the omniscient narrator, and have another character think or talk about it. That would make the story a lot more lively.
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Old 09-05-2006, 09:18 AM   Lifetme Service Award Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Retired Administrator #15
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Slow down pilgrim.

First, transmission of avian flu between humans is not even known to be possible. A scenario describing the infection rate you have given seems very unlikely, especially given the paranoia surrounding the possibility of a pandemic. The virus would first have to mutate to be able to transmit itself easily from bird to human, then again to easily facilitate human-human transmission. This process takes time.

Second, no twenty year old is able to claim to lead a militia, claim absolute rule, make strategic decisions or organise the logistics of a large scale resistance movement. And even if he could, he wouldn't stay in control long. I'm a militaria enthusiast myself (read a lot more than you have, I guarantee) and I could not possibly hope, at age 23, to single-handedly raise, develop, lead, and claim power with a militia movement.

The Japanese swords and staves are useless in modern combat. Similarly, an M4A1 rifle is next to useless in 'closed quarters', such as that which would be encountered during an attempted coup in the office itself. (I assume thats the reason for having so many weapons in the office. If not, the guy is a fucking whackjob.)

SPAS stands for Sporting Purpose Automatic Shotgun, not 'Semi-Automatic/Pump Actions shotgun'. The Jackhammer making it past prototype stage is arguable at best. The USAS-12 would be a better bet if you want a drum-fed automatic combat shotgun.

Sex is not wrong.

I'll come back with more later. All boys have dreamed about being generals and leaders and/or dictators. Its good writing practice to put your ideas to paper. But try and make things a bit more believable, which you can do by grounding your story on facts.
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Old 09-05-2006, 01:37 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #16
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Alrighty then...now that we've established what swords (and exactly how long each one is) are in the display case, can we proceed with a story?
Too much of the "story" is glossed over in the "Brief History of the UAF". If you want to convince me that Sparrow has been able to attain the kind of power that he has, I need to see some military/diplomatic prowess displayed. Let's see him slowly gain the power, rather than just be given a list of (ridiculously unbelievable) dates. I say "ridiculously unbelievable" because, if I'm reading this right, you have a college kid conquering the Southeastern United States in a matter of weeks...which is ridiculous simply because these states have more guns per capita that any other region of the country. Likewise, these states have a high concentration of National Guard and army reserve that would be a bit hesitant to lay down their arms and join a twenty-something virgin. If he is a charismatic leader, we need to see it.
There's far too much telling and not nearly enough showing. Also, get rid of the parentheticals. Those are for scripts, not novels and I'm assuming this is a novel since it doesn't follow the format of a screenplay.
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Old 09-05-2006, 03:37 PM   #17
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Quote:
Sex is not wrong.
I agree with almost every other plot point, although to fix most of them would require a massive rewrite. But on the sex issue, remember that it is the character's personal opinion and, if his military will go for it, he could implement his plans to "remoralize society", although it would very likely turn into a potential civil war (which it does eventually), he could try and if he thinks his cause is just, he might go very far to achieve his means, including violence, brutality, brainwashing and anything else he feels is necessary.

Also, if you read carefully (and you'll see it later on), his goal is not to destroy sexuality itself, but merely sexual immorality and to reduce the rampant sexuality in his country. I don't know about you, but I find that America obsesses about sexuality to an extreme degree.
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Old 09-05-2006, 10:32 PM   Senior Registered Member #18
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Now i think the helping information stopped a little while ago. I mean i don't see what matters on how the flu spreads, it's a story a lot of crazy shit can happen. While reading Hasslebrad's post i just thought about how so many people are dead and the National Guard might not really matter because they could be just trying to save their own asses.

Sparrow becoming a militia leader at 21 is very unlikely but, once again, it's a story about very desperate people and everyone's dying from this flu. People were probably waiting for a leader. I didn't think i'd be defending this.

I think Nsper7 knows what he should do by now.
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Old 09-05-2006, 10:58 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #19
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What about my post isn't helpful?
I'm simply saying we need to be shown the story. If the National Guard is in disarray, show us. Show us some sort of power struggle. Military leaders, when faced with this kind of situation, would all jump at the chance to fill the void left in power. Seeing the collapse of a nation would be a compelling story. Have Sparrow watching the President speak and noting how pale his complexion is. Then, days later, see reports of his demise as he is building his own force.
Study Hitler's rise to power and the alliances he made with various figures in Germany in the 1930s and model the story after that. I just think there's far too much interesting material being glossed over in the "Brief History".
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Old 09-05-2006, 11:09 PM   Senior Registered Member #20
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A'ight, sorry, i thought you were just telling Nsper7 everything that would make his plot fall. I gotcha and that's a very good point, but then again i think you just might have to be able to see the reason that it's the flu and what not yourself. If he keeps reminding us it's the flu or whatever then it'll seem a bit repetitive.
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