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Old 22-02-2008, 01:06 PM   KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #321
Ranman
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Hooker? will you have hookers? its the only way im coming
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Old 24-02-2008, 06:53 PM   #322
Vladimir Vodka
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ranman View Post
Hooker? will you have hookers? its the only way im coming
Certanly! There everywhere...Russian girls...you know that I mean

I heard my friends dont even payed one of them. It was in park. She was drunk and so...

But I never it will make!

Here some very popular russian joke:

Work not p*nis - and week will be stand.

Not so to like me this statement
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:28 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #323
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heh, watching 8 out of 10 cats and Jimmy Carr asked
"What is britain's least favourite musical instrument?"

after the usual banter, Chris O'Dowd (Roy from the IT Crowd) chipped in with
"Is it a Kiddie Fiddler?"
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Old 02-03-2008, 04:08 AM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #324
hasselbrad
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


Dear V. Gina;


I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response



Dear P.Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina
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Old 02-03-2008, 07:34 AM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Administrator #325
Mandy
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I've got a couple for you-

What's the difference between a peeping tom and a watch thief?
One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.


**Warning**
This one's a racial joke, which was surprising when it was told to me by a black guy-

What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a whole family.
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Old 02-03-2008, 03:52 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #326
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Old 02-03-2008, 10:50 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #327
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My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words.

"In the beginning," he said, "exactly fifteen point two billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe--"

But I had stopped writing. "Fifteen billion years ago?" I said incredulously.

"Absolutely," he said. "I'm inspired."

"I don't question your inspiration," I said. (I had better not. He's three years younger than I am, but I don't try questioning his inspiration. Neither does anyone else or there's hell to pay.) "But are you going to tell the story of the Creation over a period of fifteen billion years?"

"I have to," said my brother. "That's how long it took. I have it all in here," he tapped his forehead, "and it's on the very highest authority."

By now I had put down my stylus. "Do you know the price of papyrus?" I said.

"What?" (He may be inspired but I frequently noticed that the inspiration didn't include such sordid matters as the price of papyrus.)

I said, "Suppose you describe one million years of events to each roll of papyrus. That means you'll have to fill fifteen thousand rolls. You'll have to talk long enough to fill them and you know that you begin to stammer after a while. I'll have to write enough to fill them and my fingers will fall off. And even if we can afford all that papyrus and you have the voice and I have the strength, who's going to copy it? We've got to have a guarantee of a hundred copies before we can publish and without that where will we get royalties from?"

My brother thought awhile. He said, "You think I ought to cut it down?"

"Way down," I said, "if you expect to reach the public."

"How about a hundred years?" he said.

"How about six days?" I said.

He said horrified, "You can't squeeze Creation into six days."

I said, "This is all the papyrus I have. What do you think?"

"Oh, well," he said, and began to dictate again, "In the beginning-- Does it have to be six days, Aaron?"

I said, firmly, "Six days, Moses."
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Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:28 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #328
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

Put your ad here!

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.
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Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
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Old 06-03-2008, 07:35 AM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #329
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Old 06-03-2008, 04:57 PM   Senior Registered Member #330
DefyingGravity
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Knock, knock.

Who's there?

"Powl."

Powl who?

Pol Pot! Run away if you have glasses, or he will kill you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Digital_Ice View Post
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."


Ahahahaha A +
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Old 10-03-2008, 07:29 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #331
hasselbrad
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Dr. Phil's Key to Finding Inner Peace.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of bourbon, half a case of Guinness, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Thin Mints, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
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Old 10-03-2008, 09:51 PM   #332
Joly
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For the intellectuals:

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

For the sickos:

What's the difference between a bag of dead babies and a ferrari?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby wearing a clown suit.

How many babies does it take to paint a house red?
Depends how hard you throw them.
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Old 10-03-2008, 09:58 PM   Lifetme Service Award Officer #333
Leonie
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A man was in the supermarket when he saw an attractive woman waving him over and smiling. He walked over, unsure of who she was.

“I’m sorry”, he said, “but I don’t think I recognise you”.

“I think you’re the father of one of my children”, the woman said, smiling.

The man’s heart nearly stopped as he though back to the one time he had been unfaithful - his buck’s night. “Are you the stipper?” he asked, astonished. “Are you the one who rubbed whipped cream all over me on the pool table while you slapped my butt with a with a wet celery?”

Wide-eyed and shocked the woman replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”


(from here)
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