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Old 05-12-2004, 01:52 AM   KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #1
Ranman
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How about telling some jokes?

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter
had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had
particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around
didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now
I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went
back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he
let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran
into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress
and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on
the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let
the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out
on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or
something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and
caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I
couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out
onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started
beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he
ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding
on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and
fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

Last edited by Ranman; 05-12-2004 at 01:57 AM. Reason: thought it was better title
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Old 05-12-2004, 01:57 AM   #2
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Lol Hahhahahahaha!
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Old 05-12-2004, 01:58 AM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #3
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Heard it before. But funny nonetheless.
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:01 AM   Senior Registered Member #4
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LMFAO good one lol
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:09 AM   #5
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Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:12 AM   Officer #6
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haha nice. I like 10 and 3.
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:12 AM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #7
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I Love 3.
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:18 AM   KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #8
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Top 10 Things Men Would Do If They Had a Vagina for a Day


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing
time.
4. Have 300 consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And the number-one thing men would do if they had a vagina for a day:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:35 AM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #9
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PMSL. You probably ripped those off Letterman but STILL hilarious!
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Old 05-12-2004, 02:42 AM   Senior Registered Member #10
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Totally stolen from the Man show:

If you had the choice of, A. spending the day with Pamela Anderson, or B. Free spaghetti for life, what would you choose?


Answer: the spaghetti, because it dosen't have hepatitus C.
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Old 05-12-2004, 03:12 PM   KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #11
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I hope I dont offend anyone with this, Its only a joke and If I do Im very sorry


Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always
so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning
before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I
made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

"Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue...
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and
'shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he
spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised
eyes,broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice
that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...
If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog.
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Old 05-12-2004, 04:05 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Moderator #12
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Good one, Ranman!
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Old 06-12-2004, 03:48 AM   Senior Registered Member #13
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Yet again nice joke Ranman
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Old 06-12-2004, 07:45 PM   KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #14
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Another day, Another joke


One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle
yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they
got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to
cum, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.
He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit
in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his
hands up."
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Old 06-12-2004, 09:14 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Moderator #15
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We've actually had a thread like this before, but since is has died, I'll happily make this one live. In order to do that, I'm planning to continue the way I stopped: mostly posting funny pics. Here's one...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg bush-abe.jpg (41.5 KB, 239 views)
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Old 06-12-2004, 10:08 PM   Senior Registered Member #16
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Q. Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A. A dead baby wearing a clown suit!
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Old 07-12-2004, 01:39 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pygmalion
Q. Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A. A dead baby wearing a clown suit!
Unless you are scared of clowns...then that would just be scary.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.
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Old 07-12-2004, 05:33 PM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #18
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A good friend will die for you. A great friend will kill for you.
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Old 07-12-2004, 08:51 PM   KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #19
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How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard
Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd
time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."


20. Is for you, lets see who can come up with something.
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Old 07-12-2004, 09:04 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Senior Registered Member #20
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6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

I used to do this all the time until it was pointed out that a check is a legal document, i.e. the fact that I had written "sexual favors" on the memo line would be admissable in a court of law. I stopped.

20. Answer all phone calls "Stuffy's Buttfuck Shop."
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