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Old 06-11-2004, 02:30 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #1
barrington
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To All Americans...

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

(from the Relic Boards, author unknown)
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Old 06-11-2004, 02:42 PM   #2
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I love you
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Old 06-11-2004, 02:49 PM   Officer #3
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Haha. I wholeheartedly agree with everything in that post, except for tasks 1-14. 15 is nice though. I've come to 3 conclusions:

1.) $6 a gallon is absurd. I sympathize.
2.) Europe has it's own "American football" league I believe.
3.) If the Queen would like to change the very foundations of our dialect, she may do so, only if she is willing to appear on Fear Factor.
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Old 06-11-2004, 04:53 PM   Senior Registered Member #4
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Meh. I like it here. The way it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnyboy
I love you
I want you out of my country.
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Old 06-11-2004, 05:48 PM   Senior Registered Member #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by barrington
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

I didn't go any further after reading that crap.

If it's such a fucking big deal to you non-Americans, become an American citizen and start voting. Til then, give it a rest already. It's old and tired.
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Old 06-11-2004, 05:56 PM   First Class Member Officer #6
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Well said Baz. You, like, totally rule.
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:06 PM   #7
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Quote:
I didn't go any further after reading that crap.
Ryan's just bitter that the person the he voted for...won.
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:07 PM   #8
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Man that was stupid.
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:15 PM   #9
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i love being British lol
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:25 PM   First Class Member KKWiki Contributer Administrator #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timmy
i love being British lol
You can be british and live in scotland at the same time?
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:38 PM   Senior Registered Member #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandy
You can be british and live in scotland at the same time?
Um...yeah...Britain isn't just England. Wait, no, I'm right...I think.
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:39 PM   #12
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Thumbs up

I am in favour of this.
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:45 PM   Senior Registered Member #13
Jacoby
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnyboy
I love you
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilSarah
Well said Baz. You, like, totally rule.
Yeah, Baz. You're really good at copy/pasting. He didn't write this, people. He even said at the bottom he got it from relic forums, and the kid there got it from an email.

I love how you said you can't stand to watch the Family Guy episode with the British stereotypes, Sarah. And then you mock this stereotype. It's hypocritical, and quite frankly, it's down right ridonkulous.
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Old 06-11-2004, 06:54 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #14
barrington
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You need to remove the sticks from your collective rectums.
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Old 06-11-2004, 08:05 PM   #15
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Barrington you are something else?

Well actually if you looked beyond your backyard you might notice that there is American football in Europe. It’s called NFL Europe. Perhaps the reason that not a lot of countries play football is because it is an expensive sport. If you examine the major sports in Europe and the rest of the world you’ll notice there cheap to play. Soccer is the cheapest sport to play, all you need is a ball. Don’t get me wrong I like soccer and all, but you can’t put down other sports. And soccer is not a difficult game to play, it’s such a simple concept.

‘God save the queen’ Have you been brainwashed? I’ll leave it at that!

Rugby is a stupid sport, football is much better!

Again if you searched beyond your backyard you will notice that Baseball is played in all countries. Maybe not at an elite level, but it’s there nonetheless. Also Canada has an MLB team. Also there are player from all over the world in the MLB.


"Indecisive Day" Riiiiiight?

Roundabouts. What a foolish way to organize the streets. Traffic lights are much better and organized.

The automobile was created in America, But I have to say European cars are better. I stick to driving on the right side of the road. It’s you that is backwards.

All and all, you wrote a lot of illogical stuff please reframe from doing so again.

What weeeere you thinking?
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Old 06-11-2004, 08:13 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #16
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I'm sorry? You're asking ME to refrain from doing something again?
Or maybe you didn't read that the author is unknown for the above.
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Old 06-11-2004, 08:14 PM   #17
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It's seems to me that you are backing this opinion. Why did you post it?


Also that was my opinion to the author, whoever it be.
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Old 06-11-2004, 08:54 PM   First Class Member Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! KKWiki Contributer Administrator #18
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Yes, I am backing the author's opinion wholeheartedly.
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Old 06-11-2004, 09:49 PM   First Class Member Officer #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandy
You can be british and live in scotland at the same time?

Britain is England, N. ireland, Scotland and Wales.

and Jacoby, so what? Why can't I laugh at sterotypes? Thats what you all do about the British.

I don't give a shit.
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Old 06-11-2004, 10:06 PM   Lifetme Service Award Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Retired Administrator #20
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Ah, Bazzle. You've done it again mate.

gg.
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