Joke

Princess · 29-06-2004, 05:13 AM

delete

Pygmalion · 29-06-2004, 09:14 AM

LOL!!!
That reminds me of a joke I heard a few eeks ago, along the same lines really:

THE REAL STORY OF ADAM AND EVE
All the stuff about the apple and the serpent is bullshit. What really happened was: God came down to talk to Adam and Eve. He said "Ok. you two can do whatEVER you want. Eat whatever-even those apples-but Eve, you must NEVER go into the water."
So Adam and Eve were like "SCORES!!" and went around doing what EVER they pleased-except swimming...
So a few months later, it was a really hot day in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had forgotten her promise to God, and so went into the water. She'd been swimming for about 20 minutes when God came ROARING down from Heaven: "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!?!?!?! Now we'll NEVER get the taste out of the fish!!!!"

acliff · 29-06-2004, 10:39 AM

I think its more the smell.....

I was going to post this story about hammers and tampons, but I can't find the link... Amishka knows :P

Pygmalion · 30-06-2004, 03:45 AM

HAH!! I know a pretty gross one thats been around for a while in Aus, not sure if you peeps from other countries will've heard it but BE WARNED its pretty wrong-and since I'M out and proud I'm not being homophobic-so nobody post abuse at me please

Three lesbians are sitting in a bar. The first one says "I can fit my WHOLe fist up myself!"
The second one says "oh yeah? Well I can fit my whole ARM up there!"
The third one says "Um guys? Can you help me off the stool please?"

Hazzle · 30-06-2004, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pygmalion

HAH!! I know a pretty gross one thats been around for a while in Aus, not sure if you peeps from other countries will've heard it but BE WARNED its pretty wrong-and since I'M out and proud I'm not being homophobic-so nobody post abuse at me please

Three lesbians are sitting in a bar. The first one says "I can fit my WHOLe fist up myself!"
The second one says "oh yeah? Well I can fit my whole ARM up there!"
The third one says "Um guys? Can you help me off the stool please?"

Hehe...my best mate told me that one...she's a font of dirty jokes...excellent...the roll up one is a new one on me though...very nice

DefyingGravity · 04-07-2004, 05:37 PM

Hahaha Princess.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Mistikle · 28-08-2004, 04:56 PM

Mistikle · 30-08-2004, 02:32 PM

This was an email i got...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

SEND OR SHOW THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

Mistikle · 30-08-2004, 02:39 PM

A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

Mistikle · 30-08-2004, 04:39 PM

kilyncw · 30-08-2004, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistikle

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

here's a funny one, a guy gets in a pretty bad car accident (should prolly be dead) and loses complete sight in left eye because of airbag.

moral of the story: air bags suck ass
________
Kids Avandia

Kelsey · 30-08-2004, 10:40 PM

I know this isnt something I would usually post, but its funny anyways....

Jacques, the Parisian cabdriver, picks up Buck from Texas at the airport in Paris. Buck has never been to Paris before and is here on business, but he doesn't have to be at his business meeting for a little while, and he can't check into his hotel yet.
"Show me the sights," Buck tells Jacques.
Jacques drives the cab by the Louvre Museum.
"Holy smokes!" cries Buck, "What kind of building is that?!"
"Ahhh, that is the Louvre. A fine museum filled with all of the great works. It's taken the French 5'000 years to get it to be what it is today."
"5'000 years?" Buck asks, amazed. "2-3 years tops in Texas."
Jacques rolls his eyes and drives towards Notre Dame.
"Whoa! What kind of building is that?!"
"Ahhh, that is Our Church....our Notre Dame, with the beautiful stained glass. Took the french 250 years to build."
"250 years?! Four months tops in Texas."
Next, Jacques takes him past the Eiffel Tower.
"Whooooaaa! What kind of building is that?"
Jacques peers out his window. "Oh, I do not know! That was not here yesterday!"

29-06-2004, 05:13 AM	#1
Princess Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 34	delete delete Last edited by Princess; 03-10-2004 at 11:36 PM. Reason: delete

29-06-2004, 10:39 AM	#3
acliff llama llama duck Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: London Posts: 1,818	I think its more the smell..... I was going to post this story about hammers and tampons, but I can't find the link... Amishka knows :P __________________ Leave a message...

04-07-2004, 05:37 PM	#6
DefyingGravity Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 344	Hahaha Princess. Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" __________________ 27th Member of Keira Knightley's Posse

28-08-2004, 04:56 PM	#7
Mistikle Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 94	__________________ +When your out on the road, Feeling lonely & so cold. All you have 2 do is call my name & i'll be on the next train!!+

30-08-2004, 02:32 PM	#8
Mistikle Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 94	This was an email i got... In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." SEND OR SHOW THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT __________________ +When your out on the road, Feeling lonely & so cold. All you have 2 do is call my name & i'll be on the next train!!+

29-06-2004, 09:14 AM	#2
Pygmalion Pissed Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Australia Posts: 856	LOL!!! That reminds me of a joke I heard a few eeks ago, along the same lines really: THE REAL STORY OF ADAM AND EVE All the stuff about the apple and the serpent is bullshit. What really happened was: God came down to talk to Adam and Eve. He said "Ok. you two can do whatEVER you want. Eat whatever-even those apples-but Eve, you must NEVER go into the water." So Adam and Eve were like "SCORES!!" and went around doing what EVER they pleased-except swimming... So a few months later, it was a really hot day in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had forgotten her promise to God, and so went into the water. She'd been swimming for about 20 minutes when God came ROARING down from Heaven: "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!?!?!?! Now we'll NEVER get the taste out of the fish!!!!"

30-06-2004, 03:45 AM	#4
Pygmalion Pissed Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Australia Posts: 856	HAH!! I know a pretty gross one thats been around for a while in Aus, not sure if you peeps from other countries will've heard it but BE WARNED its pretty wrong-and since I'M out and proud I'm not being homophobic-so nobody post abuse at me please Three lesbians are sitting in a bar. The first one says "I can fit my WHOLe fist up myself!" The second one says "oh yeah? Well I can fit my whole ARM up there!" The third one says "Um guys? Can you help me off the stool please?"

30-08-2004, 02:39 PM	#9
Mistikle Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 94	A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag." Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them. __________________ +When your out on the road, Feeling lonely & so cold. All you have 2 do is call my name & i'll be on the next train!!+

30-08-2004, 04:39 PM	#10
Mistikle Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 94	__________________ +When your out on the road, Feeling lonely & so cold. All you have 2 do is call my name & i'll be on the next train!!+

30-08-2004, 10:40 PM	#12
Kelsey Holly Moderator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Wild Wild West Posts: 1,188	I know this isnt something I would usually post, but its funny anyways.... Jacques, the Parisian cabdriver, picks up Buck from Texas at the airport in Paris. Buck has never been to Paris before and is here on business, but he doesn't have to be at his business meeting for a little while, and he can't check into his hotel yet. "Show me the sights," Buck tells Jacques. Jacques drives the cab by the Louvre Museum. "Holy smokes!" cries Buck, "What kind of building is that?!" "Ahhh, that is the Louvre. A fine museum filled with all of the great works. It's taken the French 5'000 years to get it to be what it is today." "5'000 years?" Buck asks, amazed. "2-3 years tops in Texas." Jacques rolls his eyes and drives towards Notre Dame. "Whoa! What kind of building is that?!" "Ahhh, that is Our Church....our Notre Dame, with the beautiful stained glass. Took the french 250 years to build." "250 years?! Four months tops in Texas." Next, Jacques takes him past the Eiffel Tower. "Whooooaaa! What kind of building is that?" Jacques peers out his window. "Oh, I do not know! That was not here yesterday!" __________________ ~* Kelsey *~ Check out my blog: http://www.thingsephemeral.blogspot.com

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