Why Keira needs a well-publicized tumble with a married man.
Dear KK Nation,
Impairedgirl and I consider ourselves to be the authority on Keira Knightley's popularity in the States.
We are the chicest cunts in the US! We are both semi-anglophiles. Naturally our love of the arts oozing from your little British Isles brought us to the hottest thing to come out of England since The Beatles: Keira Knightley.
As we consider Keira as such, we can also tell you all that her hotness is dwindling more with each new day. Why? Because she is free of scandal and eccentricities. Here in the states, we prefer our starlets to develop baggage at a tender age. Take for example, Natalie Portman, Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson. NatPo--the closest we have to a KK--is a Jew who is currently dating an unshaven Yeti. Fucking a Yeti can only have deep psychological repercussions that, if she is wise, NatPo will pour into her work. Lindsay is mentioned in the gossip rags for at least a dozen different reasons each week. Right now LiLo doesn't even have a movie to promote, but we know that she is 40 days sober and has traded in condoms for dental dams. Furthermore, we LOVE LiLo for this; she makes us feel better about who we are. As for ScarJo: she has the voice of a phone sex operator who possibly used to be a he. Tragically, she comes with a hyper-sexualized image that belies her credibility as an actress. We like to see out starlets struggle, and to win out in the struggle. Here in the States we have not witnessed any sign of Keira's inner demons. All that can be said of her is that she's possibly an anorexic…which we doubt to be true because anorexia already had a name in the states: Nicole Richie, and Keira ain't that fucking skinny.
Furthermore, we believe KK must do something completely irresponsible to get stateside love. I personally want to see Keira involved in a passionate love affair. She's so stuffy with the period pieces, the itty bitty titties, and the quiet private life. Furthermore, as a star, the girl is banal, matronly even. She needs to come unhinged and let the desire we all know she is hiding see the light of day. Her Orlando Bloom knock-off of a boyfriend seems gay and probably does not satisfy her. Keira Knightley as anything other than an actress is a fucking bore. She's been dating Mr. Wickham since '05--and he's not the kind of guy most heterosexual gals cream their panties for--he's the kind I see Impairedgirl's queer ex getting with. Keira would fair better by making out with her brother at the Oscars.
We've come to the conclusion that she needs a full blown grown MAN!
But who will be the lucky guy to remind the world that KK is indeed a celebrity and therefore allowed a morally objectionable lifestyle?
Impairedgirl suggests Henry Cavil the hottie of The Tudors. However, I think Daniel-Day Lewis would be the more convenient candidate. Keira has a very delicate beauty; and Daniel a more rugged. Also, they're both extremely talented. Furthermore, the timing couldn't be any more ideal either. They're both at their peaks and making huge contributions to our generation's pop culture bubble. They both come off as refined, sensible Artistes. So, it would be utterly captivating to see them let their hearts run wild and possibly descend into madness. All great legends have some kind of decadent love affair to be chastised, criticized, or crucified--but never forgotten--for.
In conclusion, we believe Keira needs to either have a break down, start a lesbian affair, or start doing intravenous drugs. It'd be even better if she did all three at the same time. In order to prove that she is not merely an actress, but an ICON, she needs to survive a public judgment day.