As Bonds is running the bases on his 756 homer, feel free to do one of the following:
-Light one of his baseball cards and hold it up like a lighter at a concert
-Catch the ball and throw it back. You'll never have to pay for a drink the rest of your life.
-Hold up four fingers on each hand -44- Hank Aaron's number
-Hold up a big sign: SEVEN FILTHY SIX
-Women, pull a black veil over your face. Men, pin on a black carnation.
-Call the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, California and ask to speak to Greg Anderson. He's the convicted steroids dealer-and Bond's personal trainer and friend-who's spent 10 months in jail for refusing to testify before a grand jury looking into possibly perjury and tax-evasion charges against Bonds. Ask Anderson what he's going to want from Bonds when he gets out. Like, say, his own personal state.
-Call the Hall of Fame and ask which cap will appear on Bond's head in his Cooperstown exhibit- the size 7, 7.5 or 8?
-Pull out a copy of "Game of Shadows" and begin reading aloud how Bonds used steroids, human growth hormone, insulin, testosterone decanoate, bovine steroids and female fertility drugs to help him set this record. And then watch Bonds step on home and point to God.
-If you're watching on the tele, flip to something a little more plausible, like "Armageddon".
-Hold up a big sign that says 650, which is the about how many home runs Bonds would have if you replaced the homer totals from his alleged juicing years (99 to 04) with his prejuce pace of 32 a season.
-Send rabbits' feet, four-leaf clovers and two-headed pennies to Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey Jr., letting them know that you're pulling for them to pass Bonds like he's a hitchhiker in an orange jumpsuit.
-Hold up a big sign: FLAXSEED WORKS!
-Jump onto the field and give commissioner Bud Selig a hug, for he's a Milwaukee native who loved watching Hank Aaron, and his fondest wish was probably to see Bonds fall down an elevator shaft.
Get Bonds's autograph at the ballpark- on the bottom of an affidavit that reads, "I set this record with the help of performance-enhancing drugs. I am a very large jerk for doing so."
-Squirt juice out of a giant syringe.
Thank you Rick Reilly.