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Old 11-12-2004, 06:03 PM   Attended an OMGWTFKKWBBQ! Moderator #77
acliff
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: London
Posts: 1,818
Holy Christ Haz, you do type a lot.

You're completely right of course. Nothing is your fault. Not even the fact that I was indescribably depressed and grieving wordlessly on receipt of the suicide note... And then the day afterwards you're fine, seemingly cheerful, assuming everything will get back to the way things were, as if nothing had changed. My extreme anger must be completely irrational and uncalled for. Naturally thats my fault. It *is* my fault. That I don't understand why you're so screwed up. It is my fault that I am unable to pick things up where they started. It is my fault that I couldn't help myself from feeling pity... It is my fault for attempting to cut myself off from you, so that you wouldn't have to deal with what I felt. I thought you'd be better off that way. If you were a real friend, then you wouldn't have made an attempt on your life. Simple as that. It is my fault that I had a terrible choice in friends. I won't make that mistake again.

And then you couldn't help but come back to KKW. Addiction? The feeling of belonging that you lack in some other area of your life? Regardless what that reason is, you are here now, and you do have to deal with what I have to say. And thats going really well isn't it?

Besides why should I have cared? Nothing you say seems sincere, you don't mean anything you say, you can't even kill yourself the two times you've told me that you would, you talk because you can't close your mouth, all of which I could accept if only you didn't seem to think it was none of your fault.

Don't mention the word friend here. In speech marks or not, I don't think you even know what the word means. Friendship is not pain. Not necessarily sacrifice. Not a one sided struggle to deal with someone else's shit over and over and over again. I hope by spurning the ones who you assumed used to be, I hope you find new ones. People who are too shallow to want trivial things like respect, confidentiality, kindness, heart. They certainly won't find those traits in you.

And now I've given you enough sentences for you to pick out and reply to individually in a bitter, angsty ("But you haven't offended me at all") kinda way. Its nice to know you that you dedicate so much time to a former friend. Its almost touching.
I don't think I have very much more to say, I think I've said all I want, or ever need to say. But then, I was never the best at blabbering. That was always your forte.
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