Specially for Poggs:
A man, his wife and son are travelling by train from London to Manchester. As they're pulling out of London, the little boy asks: "Are we nearly there yet?". Throughout the journey he carries on asking the same question every couple of minutes. Every time he does, his dad sticks his arm out of the train window, pulls it back in and says, "Not yet". After two and a half hours, the little boy puts in his request for information and the dad puts his arm out of the window, pulls it back in and says, "Nearly there." "How can you tell?" Asks his wife. "Easy," he says. "When I put my arm out of the window that time some thieving bastard stole my watch".
Q: If your wife's watch has broken, how do you repair it?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
This one has to be said out loud to get it. Specially for the Bush haters out there :
It's a routine diplomatic meeting between the president of the US and the Queen, when the president suddenly goes off on a tangent.
"You know", he says. "I'm getting pissed off with my country, the good ol' US of A, being just a country. I've been thinking of taking a leaf out of your book and changing the name to the United Kingdom of America."
"Well," says the Queen. "I'm afraid that for it to be a kingdom you need to have a king in charge. And you're not a king."
"Shoot," says the president. "How about a principality?"
"That requires a crown prince to be in charge, and you're not a prince"
Goddamn it! How about an Empire?"
"You need to have an Emperor in charge, and you're not an Emperor".
Before the president can say another word the Queen continues: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a country."
A builder, a poet and a programmer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses.
The builder said "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship"
The poet said "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there."
The programmer said "I like both".
"BOTH?!" They questioned.
"Yeah," said the coder. "If you have a wife and a mistress they'll each think you're spending time with the other girl, and you can go to the office and get some work done."