That reminds me of a joke I heard a few eeks ago, along the same lines really:
THE REAL STORY OF ADAM AND EVE
All the stuff about the apple and the serpent is bullshit. What really happened was: God came down to talk to Adam and Eve. He said "Ok. you two can do whatEVER you want. Eat whatever-even those apples-but Eve, you must NEVER go into the water."
So Adam and Eve were like "SCORES!!" and went around doing what EVER they pleased-except swimming...
So a few months later, it was a really hot day in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had forgotten her promise to God, and so went into the water. She'd been swimming for about 20 minutes when God came ROARING down from Heaven: "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!?!?!?! Now we'll NEVER get the taste out of the fish!!!!"
I think its more the smell.....
I was going to post this story about hammers and tampons, but I can't find the link... Amishka knows :P
HAH!! I know a pretty gross one thats been around for a while in Aus, not sure if you peeps from other countries will've heard it but BE WARNED its pretty wrong-and since I'M out and proud I'm not being homophobic-so nobody post abuse at me please :)
Three lesbians are sitting in a bar. The first one says "I can fit my WHOLe fist up myself!"
The second one says "oh yeah? Well I can fit my whole ARM up there!"
The third one says "Um guys? Can you help me off the stool please?"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
ok no offense to blondes in any any way... coz not all blondes are dumb or slow... but i thought this was funny and i wanted to share it with all of u people!!
One blonde asks another:
"Which is further, London or the Moon?"................
The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"
hope i didn't offend anyone in anyway
if i did i'm sorry!! :o
Ok...if this is just going to become a general joke thread, perhaps it doesn't belong here but on GD instead?
lol im a bit slow!
i was staring at that pic of the kangaroo for about 5 mins before i got it.
I just realised this could be offensive. If it is I'll delete it.
Lol I think if anybody was gonna get offended it would've been earlier in the thread.
I got a great one:
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
I have one friend who tells me these jokes
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk;
A carton of eggs;
Quart of orange juice;
A head of romaine lettuce;
A 2 lb. can of coffee; and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer as to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
heh these are so amusing, post some please :)
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
This is from a book...
...written by court reporters, of things actually said in open court.
The following is a cross examination of a coroner.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON A STUDENT’S REPORT CARD… BUT CAN’T
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has starte to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic sling to hold it all together.
7. Student has been working with glue too much.
8. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
12. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other. :fencing:
10 ways to scare your neighbors
1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that
you don't have a phone.
2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my
hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad
plants,while watering the bad ones.
3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books,
4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of
bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing
5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that
their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on
the move again."
7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn
and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of
9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why,
say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household applainces.
Everyone has to read these jokes. These are hilarious!
Lmfao.. *dies*..enough said.
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