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Tabrasa 20-01-2006 02:56 AM

Thought gathering
 
I noticed perusing the board that we have people here of many varied lifestyles, and I wanted to pose a few circumstantial questions. Barrington knows the full tale end to end, but thought I'd lead off with the prolog and see what responses come this way.

1) 2003 - March: Wife Wendy pregnant, very happy, ecstatic!

2) 2003 - May: Wendy miscarries, DNC, and gets cancer of the Uterus (1 in 10,000 chance from partial-mole pregnancies). Goes on injected Chemo, I'm giving the shots every other day. 6 Months of pure hell goes by.

3) 2003 - Dec: Wendy wins against the cancer, no more chemo, both of us getting very overweight (Me wearing 44-inch pants, her size 18 I think).

4) 2004 - Jan: Wendy has been dieting, working out like a maniac, and writing her Underworld2 story on fanfiction.net, posts chapter by chapter, gets lots of good responses. Makes new best friend, a woman named Nicola in South Africa, also a prolific writer on fanfiction at the time. They begin to chat hours and hours every day.

5) 2004 - Mar: Hubby (me) notices Wendy is down has lost 50 pounds and is looking incredible. Wendy no longer spends time with him at all, just chats every chance she gets with her new best friend. Hubby looks down at huge gut and decides to dedicate his time and attention on his wife and lose weight himself, and is very worried about relationship she is having with this other woman. Hubby confronts wife, who admits she is madly & deeply in love with this other person, but still loves him just as much as she always has.

How would you react in that situation?

Now this is old history, and yes there are a few twists along the way, but everything has worked out in the most amazing way in the end. But I wanted to get a feel how others would react upon that revelation from your spouse?

If interested, toss some replies, and I'll tell the next part.

Tabrasa

dave 20-01-2006 04:16 AM

I believe that people can love many people all at the same time. I believe that "best friends" are not always a sexual relationship. (But when they are, it is great.)

There is a difference between sex and love. She loves you. The person in South Africa is not "near". "When you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're near." Going to South Africa or having her come there is going to be hard. BUT, if they ever meet, the physical "nearness" of the other person may take away some of the "perfectness" of the love. If not, find a good marriage counselor and discover whether you want to continue the marriage.

Is she "very afraid" of another pregnancy? Is another pregnancy possible. If pregnancy is impossible, drop back to the level of "having sex" and regroup. At some point, you will either have to join in the "love" of the two ladies, or not. If not, you wouldn't be asking the question. So, tell us more, please.

It isn't fair to pretend to ask us our opinion and then surprise us with your answer so we will all look like fools for trying to help. :)

Tabrasa 20-01-2006 05:07 AM

Oh sorry, didn't meant it that way at all. Ok will post, and ask based on the entirety.

I freaked out, lost my mind, thought my marriage was over... because it had been hammered into me from childhood, movies, books, media, and society, that you can only love one person THAT way at a time. Obviously I thought that if she was so totally head over heels in love with another woman, that I was dogfood, and since the love was new, ALL of her focus & time was spent in that direction and I was left out in the cold.

In a typical guy way, I thought one of the many reasons was me being fat and her looking gorgeous, as well as a lot of neglect on our relationship over the past few years, plus the cancer, etc. So I worked my butt off and spent my time doting on her, lost 60 pounds, yet did not make a dent in "their" relationship with each other. I could never ask her to STOP loving someone, it doesn't work that way, ultimatums ARE the end to any relationship, but I could not leave her either, to me she IS my soulmate... and she persistently reminded me she still loved me. My Mother passed away just a couple of months after finding this out, and it drove me to the bloody edge. I didn't know what to do, and I felt I was in a catch-22. LOTS of nasty fights, talking, more fights, etc.. went on.

Wendy finally pointed out to me the reason why she fell in love with Nicky was that "She's YOU, only female, how could I not fall for her? If you would only chat with her too, you would find out why yourself." I railed, stormed, we fought more, and finally one day in frustration I jumped on chat and spoke to the "Enemy". We hit it off in the most amazing way to our surprise, and a few months later found we were head over heels for each other just as much as Wendy and I, and her and Wendy.

So what to do at THIS point? Hell, I've been married before, consider myself a pretty normal, run-of-the-mill guy, caught up in a situation beyond my imagination. I could not stand NOT knowing what was going to happen or how this would all work out, so we bought tickets, took vacation, and flew to see her. Total bliss, zero jealousy, and we became determined to get her here WITH us, so we could spend the rest of our lives together.

Wendy and I divorced (legally, in spirit we are still married as far as we are concerned), and I flew back again and proposed to our girl. Hired a lawyer, got a K-1 visa rolling, and now my (our) new wife has been living with us since September. All of the relatives and family knows, and finds it odd, but can live with it... with a couple of exceptions for the hardcore southern baptist redneck relatives who would probably hunt us down and shoot the unholy ones.

I had read the "Cheating" thread and wanted to get some opinions on how others might have reacted differently. I read an article by a lesbian columnist on MSN.com who told a story about how she had a similar situation, still loved her husband dearly, but left him to be with her new lady love, and how she wished things could have been different. I thought to myself "You know, if you thought outside the box and the idea of being able to be with ONLY one person at a time, you might have been able to have both of the people you love, instead of giving up one for the other". It was a total change of mind-think for me to make the realization that you CAN love more than one person, and it CAN work. But during the worst of it, I couldn't even grasp the concept, it just wasn't right with the way I was taught and had been spoon-fed over the years.

I just was wanting to see what and how people would think/react, caught in a similar situation.

Tab

Mandy 20-01-2006 05:34 AM

I think you may be living the dream life of every male on the planet. Cheers.

dave 20-01-2006 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mandy
I think you may be living the dream life of every male on the planet. Cheers.

Not me. Can you imagine two women going through the bad version of PMS at the same time? (Women who live together somehow synchronize their monthly cycles.)

Down the street from me lives a man with two wives.

The three of them were good friends for years before they decided to become a trio.

They all slept in the same bed.

About six months into the "three of them" marriage the original wife must have somehow changed her mind. She took an overdose of sleeping pills and killed herself. They woke up to a dead wife in the same bed.

I don't believe I've seen any of their kids visit since then.

Sir. You have a problem. You might not realize it yet, but you have a problem.

The famous couple who wrote the books about "open marriage" are divorced and have recanted everything in their books.

Sorry about the bad news.

The reason I know this is because my "ex-wife" tried to pull the "I thought we had agreed that we have an 'open marriage'." After eight months of twice a week marriage counseling I realized that "I don't like 'party people'." I don't like having party people around, and I don't like the way they treat everyone else as "bit players in the movie of their life." I would not like the person I would have to become to put up with My Wife screwing all the people I thought were my friends. I lost all my friends and my wife that day.

So, while I am sure that you are different than me; and your situation is much different than mine was; I am not you. I can only tell you how I feel and what I have observed. I do not believe that people should be treated as though they were "bit players in the movie of my life". You see it every day on the highway, whenever one person believes he is so important that he must cut in front of you because you and the fifty cars in front of you are going too slow.

The three of you could be experiencing "true love". for now... You will have to face the problems attendant with the pregnancy of your new wife, when it happens. And the two of you will have to deal with the jealousy of your old wife who, because of the treatment for her cancer probably cannot get pregnant.

But you know all that; you've been through all this in your mind. When most people have a child to form the trio, you've gotten an adult/child. Good luck.

One thing, pay particular attention to the symptoms for depression. Weight gain, lack of desire to "do something"... Sadness. Watch carefully. You said that you have a lot of loud arguments with your original wife; watch how that situation changes. Be very careful.

Mandy 20-01-2006 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave

Sir. You have a problem. You might not realize it yet, but you have a problem.

As the black people say, "Meddlin'!." You dont know what they're lives are like. Maybe it works for them.

dave 20-01-2006 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tabrasa

5) 2004 - Mar: Wendy incredible.
Tabrasa

You've got to be kidding! You've got that at home and you need more than that? You fool.

dave 20-01-2006 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mandy
As the black people say, "Meddlin'!." You dont know what their lives are like. Maybe it works for them.

That's why I said that he is not me and I can only respond from my viewpoint. He's the one who wanted comments about his "threesome" so everybody could be jealous of him. I'm not.

Most people have children. Perhaps he needed another mommy instead.

Tabrasa 20-01-2006 12:13 PM

Jealous, Gods no..., not with the work that goes in day-to-day. Now while there are benefits, think real hard on the negatives of the extra dynamic added by a third person. It's hard enough to make two work. --- Open marriage doesn't quite fit. I believe that would be more for swingers. We don't fool around with anyone but each other. --- Dave, do I need more than that? Nope, I didn't, nor did I ask or go looking for it; if you read above you'll see Wendy fell in love with a woman, and it rollercoastered from there. I've been talking with people who have more than one spouse for awhile now (some by their culture, some by choice), and there are quite a few success stories out there as well as dismal failures. --- What would you have done if you spouse had told you they were in love with someone else, but still loved and wanted to stay with you? Divorced? Put down an ultimatum? How would you have handled the same quandry? -- Will it work out? I cannot say more so than any standard relationship. It could all blow up, but I can't say I didn't give it a go and try to make it work.

Tab

dave 20-01-2006 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tabrasa
<snip> I've been talking with people who have more than one spouse for awhile now (some by their culture, some by choice), and there are quite a few success stories out there as well as dismal failures. --- What would you have done if you spouse had told you they were in love with someone else, but still loved and wanted to stay with you? Divorced?
Tab

Yes, That's what I did. By the way, I'm a Baha'i' I can have more than one wife. However it is not clear whether she can have more than one husband. You might ask your Moslem friends about that and then think about the answer.

One more thing. Women are different from men. All women have "girlfriends" that they "love" sometimes more than their husband. It's no big thing. That's the way women are. And if they experiment around with their girl friends that's all to the good as well. But marriage is all about the children.

I forgot to add "Good Luck" with it all. You just chose a different path than I would have. There's not enough love in the world, so everybody should grasp every bit they can. But as for me, I eschew love in favor of lasting friendship.

Ranman 07-11-2007 07:48 AM

nice bump Dave, you knucklehead

weiwei 06-06-2008 09:03 AM

你太有才了
 
I got myself banned for advertising. I'm stupid.

Joly 06-06-2008 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by weiwei (Post 88604)
I got myself banned for advertising. I'm stupid.

Worst advertising... ever.

Surprize 06-06-2008 03:15 PM

Unfortunately, moderators aren't here...

Foeni 06-06-2008 05:28 PM

What advertising? :p

dave 06-06-2008 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foeni (Post 88615)
What advertising? :p

Good for you. When I received the notification that the (Chinese wee-wee) had posted that garbage, I thought I should check out what was going on. I remember this exchange, but I thought it was longer. No matter, Got to catch up with everybody then I might post.

Give my lust to Keira. She's growing up a right nice lass.


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