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-   -   Room/Housemate Funnies (http://www.keiraknightley.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1944)

Leonie 31-08-2005 08:00 PM

Room/Housemate Funnies
 
Right, so for the sake of anonimity I wont mention any names in the upcoming story, but its just so funny that I have to share.

A housemate of mine, we'll call him A, got a hamster. Now, this hamster, being male, has gigantic balls. I've had heaps of hamsters, male hamsters just happen to have balls that combined make up the size of their heads. My housemate's friend (B) obviously hasn't had hamsters before, and figured she'd google the massive balls to be sure nothing was wrong with him.

She uses my housemate's computer to google the 'problem'. Type 'h' for hamster and what do you find in the drop down menu? Hot boys! Hee. Turns out friend A has been watching loads of gay porn. B told this story to my friend C while they were sitting in the kitchen and A was slowly turning a nice shade of beetroot. A's one of those people who always feel the need to cuddle every girl within reach, so this comes as quite a surprise. I'm also fairly certain A and B have been sleeping together, which adds to the surprise. A also insists that he's straight as an arrow.

Why do I think this is so funny? How ironic is it to be 'caught' watching gay porn because your hamster has bigger balls than you do?! As far as manliness goes, this bloke got beaten by his hamster :icon_razz

Mags 31-08-2005 08:24 PM

Last year my roommate (19) was dating a 45 year-old man. And couldn't understand her family having a problem with it. And she would complain about it to me, and it was all I could do just to not burst out laughing. Like it's totally normal to be sleeping with someone older than your father.

duckula 31-08-2005 10:06 PM

Last year I had a housemate called Matthew (link to blog can be given to those who pm). He was a fat, useless, indigent fuck. He embodies, in essence, everything I hate about people (sadly it took living with him to work this out). Hilarious.

Ashley 01-09-2005 03:35 AM

Why do things like rodents and hamsters have such ginormous balls? Seriously, huge.

Roomies are always a source of amusment... unless they suck.

A gem from my roomie while we both watched Dirty Dancing: "When I was young I didn't know what sex was, but I knew it was Patirck Swayze."

My old roomate fell in love with her adopt-a-soldier... it was fun.

acliff 01-09-2005 06:22 AM

2 years ago, my rather large friend, being slightly (read terribly obnoxious) one evening while drunk, broke the hinges of my door by aimlessly throwing a fire exinguisher at it. Good times, considering in shared student accomodation with unsecured firedoors in between each block, the chances of something being stolen is almost guaranteed.

A couple of days later, said housemate gets carried home after a night out, having been rohypnol'ed. Being a cheap bastard, it appears that he picked up a random drink while he was pissed thinking that he'd swipe it and have a drink for free. Karmic justice, fucker. Although to be fair, while he doesn't remember a thing, I remember the stuggle of helping to carry his dead weight 16 stone bulk up 2 flights of stairs.
You have to be grateful that he probably stopped a girl from getting raped. But I very much doubt that he had any noble intentions, if in fact any thoughts at all at this point.

More stories when my memory wakes up

Liam 01-09-2005 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by duckula
Last year I had a housemate called Matthew (link to blog can be given to those who pm). He was a fat, useless, indigent fuck. He embodies, in essence, everything I hate about people (sadly it took living with him to work this out). Hilarious.

Is that the chap who drove us to the airshow?

duckula 01-09-2005 09:40 AM

Yes. It went downhill from there.

Liam 01-09-2005 09:47 AM

I remember him as a rather large, red headed bloke, whom I still owe 20 pounds.

Would it be fair to assume he is a proper slob who eats too much?

duckula 01-09-2005 10:27 AM

That and more.

Liam 01-09-2005 10:39 AM

Do tell. Let it all out.

duckula 01-09-2005 10:54 AM

Ask cliff. I am blinded by rage.

hasselbrad 01-09-2005 01:01 PM

I had a roommate who bragged about various sexual exploits with several different females. Problem was, most of us were closer to said females than he. We managed to get two of them to bust him publicly...and most embarrassingly.

Oh, and we had a "roommate" who didn't pay any rent. Some bum took up under one of the shithole houses I lived in. He was a hoot, always shitting in the back yard and such.

acliff 01-09-2005 03:06 PM

That Fat Matt, on our last day as housemates, did the unthinkable.

We were packing everything up in order to move into the new house the following day. Hoovering, tidying etc. Our future housemate Hannah was lovely enough to help us with the cleaning. Because matt is fat and useless and takes up lots of space which could be used for stacking boxes, we assigned him one job.
*sets the scene* - Matt was alone in the house for a month of so, because he hates his parents (because I assume his parents can't stand him, with just cause) and decides to stay in Southampton, the bumhole of Britain. Now he was the only person in the house, and for the life of me I can't understand, he didn't clean one bit. His diet is, as you would expect, shocking. His cooking is even worse. And he smells terrible. Which makes the next bit even more nasty.
He had somehow managed to shit all over the toilet seat and didn't have either the foresight, self awareness, house training, to actually clean it up till we arrived. And the toilet stank as if it had been filled with sewage for the previous 5 weeks.

So the one job that we gave him was to clean that shit up, because understandably we wouldn't clean up his shit. Which he proceeds to ignore until 5 minutes before we leave. I visit to see its status, and come out choking. I shout at him for a while until he goes in there to 'clean'.

Midday the next day, I get a furious call from the landlord, who (although he's a right cunt and has currently stolen 33% of our money) says that the house is in a state. I object, saying we spent ages cleaning, and the landlord says the toilet is full of shit. Which I can't object to because it was like that, and I didn't check after Matt was done. It transpires that all he did was wiped the top, (yes it was on the top) wadded up all the toilet paper, dumped it in the bowl, put the toilet roll cardboard tube in, and then put limescale remover in, thinking something would happen. From the sounds of it, he didn't even flush the fucking thing (although it probably would have flooded).

And from there our tenant - landlord feud started.
All because Matt is too fat to aim properly into a toilet seat.

hasselbrad 01-09-2005 04:35 PM

Quote:

He had somehow managed to shit all over the toilet seat and didn't have either the foresight, self awareness, house training, to actually clean it up till we arrived. And the toilet stank as if it had been filled with sewage for the previous 5 weeks.
Like you're own little New Orleans.

acliff 01-09-2005 04:59 PM

Matt would work pretty well as a flood barrier...

Leonie 01-09-2005 05:06 PM

Right, here's another story.

One of my housemates recently moved out, and we aren't too sad about it. Said girl would wake us in the middle of the night (3am was normal) with her moaning and sighing, obviously enjoying her time with the boyfriend. She'd wake us at 8am too, after which she and her boyfriend would come down to the kitchen wrapped in a blanket together. Yes, that's just the blanket for the two of them. Did I mention it was a classy leopard print?

Now, you don't understand just how loud she was. She was loud enough to be heard in the kitchen. There is a room between her room and the kitchen. Two walls and two doors. Yet we could hear exactly what a good time she was having while eating our breakfasts in the morning. The girl had sex at least twice a day. I shouldn't fecking know that!

When we finally got over our embarrassment and confronted her, her reply was "Oh, yes *giggle* yeah, some other people told me too." There was no reasoning with her really. Also, her boyfriend loved to wear his hair in two pigtails. That's one on top of his head, and one at the back. Eejit.

Kelsey 01-09-2005 06:06 PM

I refuse to live with people for these exact reasons.

hasselbrad 01-09-2005 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelsey
I refuse to live with people for these exact reasons.

They can't be trusted.
I knew a kid who lived with his cousin when I was in college. The kid I knew went to school full time and worked at Kinkos, while his cousin was supposed to be in school, but unbeknownst to anyone, had dropped out. Anyway, my friend kept paying his rent at the office every month and the cousin didn't. And, since he wasn't in school, he was always around to snatch the late notices off of the door so my friend wouldn't know what was going on.
One day, he's riding his bike home from work and he notices a shirt on the ground that looks like one of his. He keeps riding until he notices something gold out of the corner of his eye. He looks, and sees it's a weight from a set of barbells. His set of Gold's Gym barbells. Suddenly, he notices that all of this shit in the ditch is his. While he was at school and work, his cousin had packed up and left, leaving his things to be thrown on the curb when the apartment evicted him.

acliff 01-09-2005 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leonie
Right, here's another story.

One of my housemates recently moved out, and we aren't too sad about it. Said girl would wake us in the middle of the night (3am was normal) with her moaning and sighing, obviously enjoying her time with the boyfriend. She'd wake us at 8am too, after which she and her boyfriend would come down to the kitchen wrapped in a blanket together. Yes, that's just the blanket for the two of them. Did I mention it was a classy leopard print?

Now, you don't understand just how loud she was. She was loud enough to be heard in the kitchen. There is a room between her room and the kitchen. Two walls and two doors. Yet we could hear exactly what a good time she was having while eating our breakfasts in the morning. The girl had sex at least twice a day. I shouldn't fecking know that!

When we finally got over our embarrassment and confronted her, her reply was "Oh, yes *giggle* yeah, some other people told me too." There was no reasoning with her really. Also, her boyfriend loved to wear his hair in two pigtails. That's one on top of his head, and one at the back. Eejit.

To be honest though, if one was having sex 2-3 times daily, firstly its quite hard to be discreet, and why would you want to be? :)

And Kels, you're going to Luuuurve college.

Leonie 02-09-2005 06:27 AM

Perhaps, but should it wake me up in the middle of the night? That's every night? No. Should it be bothering me while I'm having breakfast well away from her room? No. I mean... you obviously don't understand the kind of loud we are talking about. It's... hard to avoid hearing her. People on the 2nd floor have been woken up by her (we're on the ground floor). It's also hard to tell whether she's being murdered or having a good time.

I couldn't care less if she had sex continuously, but I am someone who doesn't wake up very easily because my room is right next to the kitchen *and* the street, so I've learnt to block out the noise. However, she manages to wake me up in the middle of the night, which really takes effort. I pity the person living next to her in her new house :icon_razz


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