View Full Version : Meet the Sony Centre Connect Chumps...

15-09-2004, 12:14 PM
A bit of light reading for you fellas:


The name Ray conjures up an image of PCs, cigarettes and tea bags but not necessarily in that order. I can assure you there’s more to the man than tea leaves and silicon chips! He’s rarely late for work, hardly surprising for a man who drinks so much PG Tips. The Chinese have dubbed him ‘Tum Chai’ or ‘The Chosen One’ Village elders high in the mountainous regions of North China believe Ray was sent by their ancient guardians to restore balance to the supply and demand of the popular leaf. The company responsible for producing PG Tips has boasted such record sales of its pyramid bags that the family of chimpanzees which star in their TV advertising campaign have been awarded huge bonuses; a spokeswoman for Fyffe’s bananas was delighted at the news. Addicted to tea Ray may be, but his computer skills are second to none, and are legend worldwide, [even I spoke to him about BT Broadband] in fact Bill Gates once referred to him as ‘a serious threat to legitimate computer based businesses on a global scale’. In Sony Connect however, he’s simply known as Number 1, not because he’s in charge but because of the amount of times he needs to go to the toilet!


Michael Smart, often known as Fl4exso for his pimping style. This living, breathing fashion statement has a yearly budget for jeans comparable in size to that of NASA’s first shuttle launch. One pair alone is so expensive that if he decided to sell them there wouldn’t be enough currency in Europe to complete the transaction, indeed when he once mentioned selling the fabled jeans several Eastern European countries began investing in gold bullion. Despite his lavish trends in leg wear Michael also manages to finance a car so sexy that traffic wardens have been known to stick penalty notices to their own eyeballs rather than deface its automotive splendour. When one particularly unimpressed, moped-riding warden did attempt to give the car a ticket, he had to be restrained by four members of the public and held until police arrived. He was later released with a caution but was instructed to watch ‘NTV Pimp My Ride’ and bound over to keep the peace for 12 months.


What do you say about Matt? He’s the best Thursday might wingman you could have, always covering you by talking to the salt shakers; this guy wrote the book on macking. When you see him putting his moves down on the lady you automatically reach for 10 pence; so YOU can ring her mum. A devil with the ladies and an exceptional dancer, he was once considered ‘too radical’ and ‘controversial’ for the televised finals of ‘Come Jiving’ however if you ever saw him on the dance floor you’d understand what God meant when he invented the tap shoe. Matt has come to us from a course in aeronautics which he has recently deferred for a year after discovering it’s actually ‘astronauts’ who get to travel to the moon. His plans to open a highly specialized cheese shop, ‘cosmic Cheese’, has been postponed; however the reason for the delay still remains in a media blackout.


As the newest member of the team Colin is mainly responsible for the basic everyday fetching and carrying jobs around the store. This is the perfect job for Colin as he comes equipped with his own flaming red open top sports car. (the car comes equipped with an exquisite brass born, for warning fellow motorists of potentially dangerous driving situations, and an authentic mahogany burr luggage rack, which is capable of carrying loads of up to 20kg without affecting the car’s road handling or cornering stability; providing it’s loaded in a sensible secure fashion and he doesn’t drive too fast or attempt any handbrake turns.) Colin shined in his interview by answering all posed questions quickly and with great confidence, he was awarded an extra merit for reheating a cup of Ray’s old tea with his flaming breath and although Ray lost half his left eyebrow in the exchange, it was surely an influential addition to Colin’s credentials, he was offered the job on the spot.


With the summer holidays upon us boomerang work mate Cliff Lee returned to Viewsell for yet another seasonal visit. It’s amazing how he fits right back in; especially this year after triumphing in the international Rubik’s cube championships for the fifth year in succession and also taking the coveted ‘Stephen Hawking Award’ for the person most likely to discover a new element, create a parallel dimension or extrapolate the rudimentary basis of a new theory 2004. Along with his ground breaking studies, cliff also finds time to train himself in the martial arts and has done reasonably well in local competitions, he plans to win these next year after the completion of his next two projects; a pair of shoes in which he’ll be able to run up vertical faces {like in the Matrix, as he puts it,) and gloves that’ll give him the power to punch through brick walls!


Since being inspired by De La Soul’s track ‘3 Feet High and Rising’ during her younger years, plucky Charlotte has used her gutsy go-get attitude and gritty determination to excel through the echelons of women’s football and has become the world’s shortest female defender since Posie played right back during the flumps Vs the Wombles friendly way back in 1982. The match was abandoned you may recall at half time when Orinoco was savaged by a rather uncompromising Jack Russell. With luck Great Uncle Bulgaria was on hand with his litter javelin to fend off the canine just in time to save the young Womble’s life. Sadly Posie, who had to be treated for shock on the sidelines, never regained consciousness. Despite this terrible loss however, it still remains one of the BBC’s finest sporting bloopers.


Thoughtful, loud, argumentative, doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Great sense of humour, great to work with and stands in for Ray as manager whenever Ray is in the toilet. Loves divulging secrets about his work colleagues and knows all their little foibles inside out. “A star who loves Viewsell.” Thank you Darren for the novelty stories about your work colleagues.

15-09-2004, 01:57 PM
Glowing description they have for you Cliff.

15-09-2004, 05:46 PM
What can I say, wherever I go, I have a reputation for being insufferably intelligent.