View Full Version : Twisted Wish

23-03-2010, 03:16 PM
I swear we used to have a thread like this (if I remember rightly, I started it, but it doesn't appear under threads I've started), but lots of searching and even trawling through 40 pages (yes, 40) of threads couldn't locate it.

So I figured I'd just start a new one. Grant the wish of the person posting above you but twist it so much that they wish they'd never wished for it.

Then make a wish yourself.


Person 1: I wish for a Ferrari.
Person 2: Granted. You smash your Ferrari into a wall and end up in a full-body cast.

I'll start. I wish it wasn't so fucking cold in my house.

23-03-2010, 09:12 PM
Granted, it's on fire!

I wish this bloody snow would go away!

23-03-2010, 11:40 PM
Granted Sweden is underwater.
I wish for my Masters degree to be done already.

24-03-2010, 12:07 AM
Granted. You failed.

I wish I had a million pounds.

24-03-2010, 03:53 PM
Granted, you now have one million pounds of body fat, congratulations!

I wish I didn't have physics revision to do!

24-03-2010, 08:24 PM
granted you now have to do a propaganda piece detailing the gloriousness of the socialist republic of china at gunpoint.
I wish for an adventure.

25-03-2010, 07:46 PM
Granted. Your adventure consists of being seized in the middle of the night and taken to Guantanamo Bay. The guards take a "special liking" to you and soon you begin to long for the waterboarding sessions that are your only respite from the daily rapings.

I wish I didn't have so much fucking work to do.

29-03-2010, 06:20 PM
Granted. You lose your job, your bank account gets mysteriously deleted, you spend your savings on booze and prostitutes until you have to sell your own body to pay for the cardboard box under the bridge that is now your home.

I wish I knew another language.

29-03-2010, 06:48 PM
Granted, you can now speak Maltese (spoken by about 400 000 people) but have forgotten every other language you ever knew.

I wish I had more self control.

29-03-2010, 07:33 PM
Granted, you gradually become completely introverted and incappable of expressing emotion. You then suffer from multiple ulcers, heart attacks and horrifying self deiscoveries.

I wish I had limited immortality so as to maintain a slacker's way of life while still achieving things which I consider "great".

29-03-2010, 07:42 PM
Granted. You develop a mental illness which consists of extreme delusion, until you are convinced you are a character in some Playstation/computer game and try to live your life accordingly. Needless to say you die tragically after attempting to climb a skyscraper with your bare hands or attacking a mana-sucking monster way over your level. Or something along those lines.

I wish my parents would back off.

30-03-2010, 12:28 AM
Granted. Your parents "back off"...literally. They start walking everywhere backwards. Which is fine and dandy until the time comes to cross the road...

I wish my rotator cuff injury wasn't still bothering me.

01-04-2010, 11:18 PM
Granted! Your arm was cut off and now you have a stubby where your arm used to be which coincidentally is the same one you use for wanking.

I wish I didn't have period cramps.

01-04-2010, 11:21 PM
Granted. You now have cramps all the time you're not having your period.

I wish I didn't smoke so damn much.

01-04-2010, 11:58 PM
Granted. You stop smoking. Cold turkey. Unfortunately your withdrawal is pretty severe and you end up turning up for work with a sawn-off shotgun. Whilst in prison you become a bitch to someone called "Tripod" (and let's just say, he's not called that because he likes photography...)

Walking will never feel the same again ;)

I wish people weren't such dicks.

02-04-2010, 08:11 AM
Granted, they're all assholes instead!

I wish my biology teacher was dead!

02-04-2010, 10:06 AM
Granted. He/She comes back as a zombie and wants to eat your brains...

I wish less games were Windows-only (I hate using Windows).

02-04-2010, 10:33 PM
Granted. All games are Mac-only. Windows goes out of business and Apple computers take over the world. With all of Apple's new cash flow, they create the world's first life-sized robot. It goes well, so they create more. Soon, these robots take all of our jobs and eventually take over the world. Human life ceases to exist.

I wish I could fly.

02-04-2010, 10:47 PM
Is it wrong that I love the idea of Apple robots taking over the world? :p

Anyway...granted. Only you, like Icarus before you, fly too close to the sun. Your hair catches fire; in order to put it out you fly headfirst into the ocean. Where you are then stung by box jellyfish. The pain becomes so bad that you can't bear it; eventually you ask for people to pee on you. Since the whole of KKW loves you, we all oblige. You're forever haunted by the nightmares...

I wish it were Saturday already.

02-04-2010, 10:52 PM
"Is it wrong that I love the idea of Apple robots taking over the world?"
I have a comment similar to that based on your previous post.

Granted. It is now Saturday, and you wake up with a huge zit on your head. You stub your toe on the way to the bathroom and break it. You take a leak and realise that you have some horrible purpley green rash on your penis. You then remember the girl you banged in the bathroom the night before. It is a serious terminal condition and you die. Members of KKW have an OMGWTFKKWBBQRIPHAZ in your honour with a huge banner that says "What a way to go."

I wish my period was over. (tmi, but seriously, it sucks)

03-04-2010, 08:39 PM
Granted. You're pregnant! No more periods for nine months. And you give birth to quintuplets. All boys, mysteriously identical to Haz.

I wish my cold where dead and gone. And the day warmer.

04-04-2010, 08:28 AM
Granted a nuclear explosion burns all the germs off of your lungs and makes the day slightly warmer.....

I wish that flights to copenhagen were cheaper or I had the cash to pay the going rate.

04-04-2010, 10:10 AM
All boys, mysteriously identical to Haz.

In other words, gorgeous? And just what are you trying to imply, missy?!

I wish that flights to copenhagen were cheaper or I had the cash to pay the going rate.

Granted. A new budget airline opens up offering flights to Copenhagen for just a dollar. Unfortunately their planes are crap (what do you expect for a dollar?) and yours crashes straight into the Copenhagen Stock Exchange. Worse yet, when the authorities inspect the wreckage, they suspect terrorism, and thanks to some "research" they find on your computer, you're their prime suspect. As you're dead, and unable to defend yourself, the mud sticks, and you're forever labelled a Jihadist terrorist.

I wish more people were coming to the BBQ.

06-04-2010, 07:45 PM
Granted, more people come, but they are not from around here. They are crazy bombers and they kill us all.

I wish I could leave Sweden now.

06-04-2010, 08:06 PM
Granted. You've now left Sweden and gone to Greenland, and you can never go back.

I wish I had a good wish.

06-04-2010, 08:27 PM
Granted you come up with the best wish ever but you do not recieve it this makes you incredibly depressed that you wish will never come true. You end up going to playgrounds and crushing the dreams of little kids. This results in your arrest and execution because you are mistaken for a child molestor and a monster.

I wish I had the ability to generate well written essays instantaneously at a given time.

06-04-2010, 09:37 PM
Granted, your essays rock, you are known world wide as the smartest kid alive. Sucks for you that aliens invading the planet heard of it too, and they decide to kidnap you, cut your brain out and use it for evil experiments. So yeah, you die and thanks to you and your essays, so does the rest of humanity!

I wish I had more time and money over.

12-04-2010, 06:15 PM
I'm going to assume that you meant you wished you had more time and money (otherwise I can't make head or tail of that sentence).

Granted. You have both time and money. Unfortunately this is because you're now trapped in a parallel universe where you're the only person on Earth. You have access to everyone's bank accounts, but eventually you run out of things to spend the money on, begin to miss the company of others, and purchase a gun with which to blow your pretty little head off.

I wish there was more decent TV to watch.

13-04-2010, 02:04 AM
Granted, the t.v. show is incredible, well written and has a very intrigueing storyline. The bad news it is on fox and is cancelled just when you get into it. It is then replaced by a new seth mcfarlane show and biased news broadcasts. When you stop watching they immedietely send a hitman to tortue you until they are the only things you love in life. Also steak but thats only because it is too good to brainwash you to hate.

I wish I had more of a sense of purpose in my life.

13-04-2010, 04:30 AM
Granted... your purpose in life is to mop the spunk off the floor in a Times Square peepshow.

I wish I had more time for writing.

13-04-2010, 09:27 AM
It is then replaced by a new seth mcfarlane show and biased news broadcasts.

Isn't it ironic that Fox show right-wing news broadcasts but also show Seth McFarlane shows, a man who is a registered Democrat and donated loads of money to Democratic candidates (including Obama)?

I wish I had more time for writing.

Granted. You have plenty of time to write. However an act of Congress requires that all writers write at least 50% of their yearly output for the newly legalised child pornography magazines aimed at the well-to-do paedophiles (and naturally the Catholic church). Those who don't are forced to watch sex acts with kids.

I wish Fabregas was fit to play the rest of the season.

13-04-2010, 06:04 PM
Granted, he's fit for it, but decides to go off to Bahamas for a 5 year vacation instead of playing

I wish I did not have evening classes.

16-04-2010, 03:38 AM
Granted, your classes occur start 3:30am. You eventually become nocturnal and evolve to suit it your eyes become huge and you develope a really pale complexion. Your terrible condition causes you to become a pariah for society. You eventually end up in the bottom of a cooled lavatube living like Gollum and all the education you received is meaningless until the next kkwbbq down there where you astound us with your riddling abilities before eating Hazzle.

I wish that once I cook a really good meal I could will it into existence without having to actually cook it again or buy the ingredients. mmm scallop,bacon and roasted red pepper pasta.

16-04-2010, 09:22 PM
Granted... but your meal causes uncontrollable, explosive diarrhea.

I wish I would sell a house.

16-04-2010, 10:32 PM
Granted, the house you sell is your own, and you sell it for just a fraction of its actual value. The money you get for it is not enough to get a new place, so you end up homeless in the streets, and you have to sell your body to old men tp pay for food and booze.

I wish I was allowed more control of my own life.

16-04-2010, 11:51 PM
Granted... you take control over your life, but find that the wheel isn't attached to the rudder.

I wish I was back on our cruise.

17-04-2010, 05:58 AM
Granted. Your ship meets the destiny of 'Titanic'. You survive, of course, but have to spend the rest of your life on an isolated island.

I wish I wrote my project on time.

19-04-2010, 03:59 AM
You've written your project in time... but you did it in Sanskrit. Your teacher can't read Sanskrit. Silly! :p

I wish I could stop sneezing.

19-04-2010, 08:54 AM
Granted. You stop sneezing. But only because you've stopped breathing and dead people don't sneeze. As per South Park, though, your corpse does emit one last, rather nasty, shart.

I wish insurance brokers weren't such utter tits.

20-04-2010, 11:11 PM
Granted, they're dicks instead.

I wish my parents would stop making me see this stupid doctor who is just full of shit!

21-04-2010, 04:04 PM
Granted. He's full of piss instead and decides to give you a golden shower.

I wish this place was back to being as active as it used to be.

21-04-2010, 09:35 PM
Granted... the place is buzzing and your post count breaks the 10,000 barrier, but you lose gainful employment and can no longer afford internet access.

I wish these fucking horseflies would disappear.

21-04-2010, 11:03 PM
Granted. They disappear. They're replaced by a swarm of giant (think elephant-sized) mosquitos from a far off alien planet who drain your blood and proceed to take over the world. Future generations will curse your name since you were the one who brought this curse on the planet.

I wish there weren't so many bloody Sex And The City repeats on. People, the show sucked the first time, repeating it is simply inflicting yet more torture on us. Let it go already; Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a tranny.

22-04-2010, 07:25 PM
Granted. The reruns are replaced by another ten seasons of endless prattling about cosmos, ridiculous expectations and shoes.

I wish I didn't need to mow the lawn.

23-04-2010, 06:17 PM
Granted, instead of mowing the lawn you have to shovel the snow, milk the cows, feed the chickens, repair the roof, change old peoples diapers, and clean up in the garage.

I wish I didn't have so much homework to do this weekend!

23-04-2010, 07:53 PM
Granted. Instead of having loads of homework to do this weekend you have loads of homework to do every single day for the rest of your life. Eventually you die alone because of your homework-induced lack of a social life.

I wish I didn't have this annoying blood clot on my little finger.

27-04-2010, 11:35 PM
Granted. The annoying little clot isn't on your finger any more... it's in your brain and you are a vegetable, stewing in your own feces.

I wish I was finished with this paper on Child of God.

27-04-2010, 11:49 PM
Granted, you finish then are inspired to travel to the south where you are trapped by mountain men and raped inncessantly.
I wish landlords would be forced to eat shit everytime they where assholes.

27-04-2010, 11:53 PM
Granted... but your landlord feels guilty for being an asshole and invites you to dinner.

I wish A&E would show more Criminal Minds and less Dog the Bounty Hunter.

05-05-2010, 07:05 PM
Granted. They show more Criminal Minds. And less Dog The Bounty Hunter. Unfortunately they become a subscription channel charging $1,000 an hour. Since they have the exclusive rights to Criminal Minds (and you're clearly hooked) you run up huge debts and have to live on the streets, fellating Japanese businessmen to earn money to feed yourself.

I wish PeeDee was here (KKW, that is, not London. Although that would be cool too.)

05-05-2010, 10:41 PM
Granted, she's here, although she's turned into a horrible bitch, scaring away everybody else and the place in one again dead. The only new posts are PeeDee's hardcore gay porn spam. (Sorry PeeDee $))

I wish I could be tired now and go to sleep.

06-05-2010, 04:30 AM
Nice one Elin, but do you really expect Peedee's lesbian porn would make the site dead?
Anyway your wish is granted and you fall asleep. You do not wake up for twenty years, you are in a post apocalyptic Austrailia and have to contend with other people while looking for gasoline and bullets.

I wish I lived in a post apocalyptic Austrailia while being invincible.

06-05-2010, 05:32 AM
well it wouldn't be lesbian, it'd be all boys, so yeah, I would expect it to be kinda dead, but you never know...

As for your wish, it is granted but I have to idea what post apocalyptic is, so I'll just say you get bored, try to kill yourself, but since you are so invincible you can not die and you spend the rest of your looooooong life alone, depressed and smelly.

I wish dinosaurs still existed, but they weren't as aggressive.

06-05-2010, 07:20 AM
Granted. They are not aggressive and turn to be a race more intelligent and civilized than ours. Thus the humanity is not domineering anymore having to call all that dinosaurs bosses. (Wow, what a gibberish)

I wish May holidays continued more than ten days.

10-05-2010, 09:00 AM
Granted. May holidays now last 11 days. Unfortunately all other holidays are cancelled and you're expected to attend from 7am until 11pm every day, including weekends.

I wish the hot weather would come back.

10-05-2010, 03:40 PM
Granted. The hot weather is back where you live but you're sent to Siberia for some scientific research (even if you have nothing to do with science).

I wish I got a job.

11-05-2010, 02:21 AM
Hey, some of us might have to do that yet. (woot archaeology).

Granted, you have the job of working with me as you dig up human civillizations in Siberia and the mega fauna around them. you are paid in vodka and gruel.

I wish that I was not stuck in the unhireable phase of life. I am overqualified acording to most employers of dead end jobs (noone will hire me) and anything that would pay me enough to maintain a cash flow that would allow me to live on my own requires a degree or training. mabye I should accept the Siberian job.

13-05-2010, 07:27 AM
Granted. You're not in the unhireable phase of life anymore. You're not in any phase of life anymore because you're dead. Your corpse is dumped in an alley and homeless guys take it in turns to make love to it. Then the rats tuck in.

When they've stripped most of your flesh from your bones the worms do the rest.

I wish the day was longer.

15-05-2010, 09:11 AM
Yeah, granted. The day is longer for you because you're on another planet where day/night duration differs from Earth's.

I wish I went abroad right now.

16-05-2010, 04:49 AM
Granted, you're in Siberia and you freeze to death.

I wish I wouldn't have been locked out tonight.

18-05-2010, 04:03 AM
Granted... you are locked inside a footlocker.

I wish the NBA playoffs would just end.

24-05-2010, 07:49 AM
Granted. The NBA playoffs end because every active NBA star comes around to your house and gang rapes you, and once they're all convicted and sent to prison they can't play professional basketball. Your arse is sore for days.

I wish my coffee was stronger.

24-05-2010, 06:54 PM
Granted, it's stronger, it's too strong. End of story.

I wish next weekend will be as awesome as last!

27-05-2010, 08:15 PM
Granted it is, too bad you are not alive to witness it.

I wish dvd licensing in the USA extended into Canada.......

28-05-2010, 09:57 AM
Granted. In fact all American laws are extended into Canada. Including the Patriot Act. They find stuff on your computer and decide to raid your home during the night, whisking you off to Gitmo where you're waterboarded.

The last thing on your mind is DVDs...

I wish shaving didn't irritate my skin so much.

28-05-2010, 03:13 PM
Granted... shaving now causes an orgasmic sensation all over your body. You stay in the bathroom, shaving every square inch of your body and eventually die of starvation.

I wish I was playing golf.

08-06-2010, 09:29 AM
Granted. You're playing golf. Only it's against Tiger Woods. And the loser is going to be mauled by a pride of hungry lions who haven't eaten in days. Oh, and you have one arm tied behind your back and no handicap. Good luck Brad!

I wish the World Cup would just bloody start already.

08-06-2010, 03:14 PM
Granted... the World Cup has started with a spectacular United States victory over England (3-0), and Rooney, Gerrard and Lampard have all managed to get sent off as well.

I wish someone would plug that goddamn hole that's spewing oil in the Gulf of Mexico.

09-06-2010, 03:11 PM
Granted. The government intervenes and saves the day, but in order to cover the expenditure, taxes go up 25%. You can't afford to keep your house so you sell and move. Unfortunately for you, at that precise moment the measures to stop the oil spill cause a gusher of oil to open up right below the house you've sold, the value of which has now just increased tenfold. Oops.

(Oh, and btw, I'm not an England fan, fully expect the USA to get at least one point out the game with England and would love it if Rooney, Gerrard and Fat Frank, being key players for Arsenal's rivals, all got Ebola and died. I am, and have always been, a Brazil fan. I'm worried about a North Korea upset.)

I wish I could find a perfect Twitter client that did everything I needed.

21-06-2010, 09:19 PM
You find your client, he does everything you need, and more, and He decides you need some... rough love ;)

I wish I was allowed to wear nail polish at work -.-

23-06-2010, 04:36 PM
Granted... you are now allowed to wear nail polish at work, but nothing else... you are now an "exotic dancer".

Shake what your mama gave ya! :D

I wish the referees would stop making so fucking hard for the United States in the World Cup.

23-06-2010, 10:35 PM
Granted, but only through bribery. The truth comes out and they're disqualified.

I wish I could move out today.

29-06-2010, 07:04 PM
granted you move out, and you relize what a horrible mistake it is before you have a large amount of cash.

I wish that my summer cold would go away.

30-06-2010, 03:33 PM
Granted... your summer cold has gone away. You now have AIDS.

I wish I still had some sort of rooting interest left in the World Cup.

01-07-2010, 05:10 PM
Granted. The you're now a Paraguayan and having "enjoyed" Japan v Paraguay you now have to watch your team take on Spain. Paraguay get three men sent off, including both central defenders. Spain are given five penalties as they run out 10-0 winners, the new all-time record. You bet your life savings on the game and are now homeless.

I wish there weren't these annoying "rest days" during the World Cup.

01-07-2010, 08:22 PM
Granted. The tournament is already over... and Spain won. :D

I wish I was on an around the world cruise.

05-07-2010, 04:49 PM
Granted, you're on a shitty boat with nothing to do and no food. This sad excuse of a boat takes you around the world without ever stopping anywhere.

I wish I didn't have a fucked up toe.

12-07-2010, 12:41 AM
granted your fucked up toe becomes gangrenous and your foot must be amputated. Your fucked up toe is no more.

I wish that I did not buy disintegration by the cure at a garagemsale for five bucks. the album is messing with my mind.

12-07-2010, 10:21 PM
Granted, you bought it for 50 bucks.

I wish I didn't have such a bad fucking sunburn!!

17-07-2010, 07:44 AM
Granted. You don't have sunburn. Because some psychopath madman has kidnapped you and peeled off all your skin.

While you're still alive.

I wish I could go see Inception today.

23-07-2010, 05:39 AM
Granted you go to see it but the projectionist cuts the film wrong and you only se half of the picture as well as a wee bit of crew. The sound is sometimes played backwards or skips ahead and you are forced to sit through the preshow twenty times before the show.

I wish I had better stuff to do than watch the wire and aqua teen hunger force.

22-08-2010, 10:46 PM
Granted, you have better stuff to do, unfortunately you're too lazy to be arsed doing them.

I wish I had a better timetable this year than the shitty one I got!

24-08-2010, 01:02 PM
Granted. You have a better timetable but due to this change you won't have any holidays. Instead, you'll be sweeping in the streets and helping seniors in crossing roads.

I wish I wouldn't have to study another year in this f***ing university.

24-08-2010, 07:27 PM
Granted, you don't have to study another day, but that also means you won't graduate and you'll never ever get a job.

I wish it could be summer again. Now.

25-08-2010, 01:10 PM
It's summer again. Unfortunately due to global warming it's about 100 times hotter than the hottest summer on record and you, along with every other living creature on the planet, is roasted to death.

I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day.

25-08-2010, 10:40 PM
Granted, there are now 240 hours in one day, but you can still have only 3 meals and 8 hours of sleep per day.

I wish I was better at biology.

05-10-2010, 09:34 PM
Granted. You're better at biology. Unfortunately, you now suck at every other subject, and can't even tie your own shoelaces. You're a menace to yourself and others, and it'd be a miracle if you weren't dead by the end of the week.

I wish my neighbours would just fuck off.

11-10-2010, 09:44 PM
Granted, they fuck off, you never see them again, or any other human being (or even animal). Everybody's gone, and you are totally alone.

I wish it wasn't so fucking cold outside.

08-11-2010, 01:53 AM
I wish for my Masters degree to be done already.

07-04-2011, 11:24 AM
Granted, they fuck off, you never see them again, or any other human being (or even animal). Everybody's gone, and you are totally alone.

I wish it wasn't so fucking cold outside.

Granted. It's not. It's boiling hot. Because you're now in Hell. You're welcome.

I wish I wasn't 30 (scary, huh?)...

10-04-2011, 02:05 PM
oh I'm in hell? so we meet at last then ;)

Anyway, Granted, you are now 40, enjoy.

I wish I had some motivation to do my coursework.

10-04-2011, 03:17 PM
Granted, but that's now the only thing you're motivated to do - you'll never be done studying.

I wish I had more money.

11-04-2011, 12:45 PM
I wish I had some motivation to do my coursework.


I wish I had more money.

Granted. You are a billionnaire now, but your relatives make plans (and implement them) to kill you in order to lay their hands on your fortune.

I wish I played a musical instrument. (Not really, but that's the only sane thought that comes to my mind)

16-04-2011, 10:50 AM
Granted. You now play the bagpipes. Your neighbours all hate you. Your friends no longer want to hang out with you. Your family disowns you. It's just you and your bagpipes now. Have a nice life!

I wish I could watch TV in my bedroom on a Saturday morning without glare on the screen.