hasselbrad
03-03-2008, 09:34 PM
We've all listed our favorite cinematic treasures, the films that we can watch over and over, never growing tired of them.
Now, here's your chance to rip into the films that you consider to be a waste of celluloid. You know the movies I'm talking about, the ones that make you cringe every time you think of the money spent on tickets to see them. Or the ones that you're thankful you saw on cable or at someone else's house, and the whole time you're watching, you're thinking "I sure am glad I didn't pay for this steaming pile of dog squeeze".
I'll start us off...
3. Van Helsing
Didn't pay to see it, and boy am I glad I didn't. The only redeeming quality this turd boasted was Kate Beckinsale in some skin tight pants and corset/bustier thing-a-ma-bob that would have given Keira cleavage.
The story seemed like it was simply a vehicle to get more CGI into it. I was sure if I saw one more swarm of *name of CGI created creatures goes here* came tearing out of a newly opened door, I was going to puke.
2. Windtalkers
Awful. Absolutely and completely awful. I'm a sucker for war movies, and you couldn't pay me to sit through this fecal festival again. It took a true story, that could have played wonderfully on the screen, and utterly ruined it. If there is any justice in the world, somewhere, somehow, a Navajo shaman has put some sort of curse on John Woo that's made his life a living hell for what he did to the story. It makes Pearl Harbor seem like a really good war movie. Utter nonsense, from beginning to end, highlighted by Nicholas Cage's over the top performance. And, by "over the top", I mean stereotypical and hamfisted in its approach. No subtlety whatsoever, but then when an Garand M-1 magically turns into a fully automatic firearm during a fire-fight because John Woo is in the director's chair, subtlety ain't really in the program.
1. In The Cut
Terrible. The beej in the director's cut in the first five minutes is the climax of the film. It's downhill from there. It wasn't thrilling. I found myself not really caring what happens to any of the characters. It wasn't thought provoking. Unless of course the thought is "why the fuck did I just sit through this?" It wasn't even really erotic. I have never seen a film that features as much sex as this one did that made me not want to have sex. I felt like a needed a shower instead...and not a cold one.
Now, here's your chance to rip into the films that you consider to be a waste of celluloid. You know the movies I'm talking about, the ones that make you cringe every time you think of the money spent on tickets to see them. Or the ones that you're thankful you saw on cable or at someone else's house, and the whole time you're watching, you're thinking "I sure am glad I didn't pay for this steaming pile of dog squeeze".
I'll start us off...
3. Van Helsing
Didn't pay to see it, and boy am I glad I didn't. The only redeeming quality this turd boasted was Kate Beckinsale in some skin tight pants and corset/bustier thing-a-ma-bob that would have given Keira cleavage.
The story seemed like it was simply a vehicle to get more CGI into it. I was sure if I saw one more swarm of *name of CGI created creatures goes here* came tearing out of a newly opened door, I was going to puke.
2. Windtalkers
Awful. Absolutely and completely awful. I'm a sucker for war movies, and you couldn't pay me to sit through this fecal festival again. It took a true story, that could have played wonderfully on the screen, and utterly ruined it. If there is any justice in the world, somewhere, somehow, a Navajo shaman has put some sort of curse on John Woo that's made his life a living hell for what he did to the story. It makes Pearl Harbor seem like a really good war movie. Utter nonsense, from beginning to end, highlighted by Nicholas Cage's over the top performance. And, by "over the top", I mean stereotypical and hamfisted in its approach. No subtlety whatsoever, but then when an Garand M-1 magically turns into a fully automatic firearm during a fire-fight because John Woo is in the director's chair, subtlety ain't really in the program.
1. In The Cut
Terrible. The beej in the director's cut in the first five minutes is the climax of the film. It's downhill from there. It wasn't thrilling. I found myself not really caring what happens to any of the characters. It wasn't thought provoking. Unless of course the thought is "why the fuck did I just sit through this?" It wasn't even really erotic. I have never seen a film that features as much sex as this one did that made me not want to have sex. I felt like a needed a shower instead...and not a cold one.