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Banana Breakfast
03-10-2007, 12:20 PM
I really don't remember how much of this is real. I shutter to think probably most of it, but growing consensous is that I was never even at Rock the Bells, so take it with a grain of salt:

How's the grind of message board boredom been -- you know -- without Allah's dynamic, profanity-enhaloed, breath-taking prose and wit to break up the tedium? Taxing, no doubt.

Some interesting Allah news follows, if that's your particular bucket of cunts. If not, or if that expression confuses or offends you, you might concider not reading this, because my absence is due to magical pan-American journey that's admittedly less whimsical than it is sick and disturbing and exaggerated.

Okay, as some of you know, I'm not happy with my current income setup, as it's unbearably repetitive on mind-numbing. And, as you've probably noticed, ironically, my "education" experience-caused personality -- let's call them quirks -- have rendered me almost unemployable outside the field of education. (For some reason, in that field, my behavior is almost accepted as being part of the territory, if you have the right pieces of paper.)

So, I threw out some feelers, and the only real interest in advanced stat or econ was a somewhat low level hole in Oregon, and the idea of anything English-related, for which I'm admittedly better suited, makes me consider bombing a daycare center, so I booked my flight to Oregon, and planned to go from there to LA to visit some friends.

I didn't spend one night in that hick-ass state. After blowing up in the interview, I rented a car and got the fuck out of dodge.

Bare with me the rest of the way, because to get through the night, I eased into my binge with more truck stop speed than I think is plausible, and my recollection bounces around like Billy Pilgrim's.

A few days later, I'm on a shitty futon in some horrid, dank part of East LA, I'm pretty sure I flew their on magic roller skates, and my foster brother Puck can't wait to tell me that I must be gay because I fucked a transvestite hooker. I had a lot of questions in my mind, and for some reason the best way to answer them seemed to be to take like fifty hits of DMT, so I could "ask God if that meant I was gay." I didn't really care, given that all it would mean would be that I wouldn't be getting action from guys, instead. But, I was bored, and thought the idea had good story potential, so I suited up and popped a few hits.

Somewhere along the way we changed the plan, since there's probably no God, and instead the plan was to find the biggest, Blackest tranny hustler around, and demand to pay him/her a reasonable amount of money to let me butt-fuck him (...or her). Mission: successful, to a point. I got nervous; possibly because the DMT was wearing off, or maybe it was only because the sight of that goblin was enough to turn my penis inside-out, and the two-pronged olfactory assault of magazine sample-applied Rave Girl original collection and a buildup of roughly seven years of street was enough to make a blind man yell Armageddon.

So, after a comment about not being able to get it up because she/he wasn't half man enough to be my lady, I got the shit beaten out of me (and believe me, I was trying to fight back).

The next morning (afternoon), I figured I'd better leave. I'd been meaning to go back to NYC to see my literary agent, and look for an apartment, and also my friend Martaun had tickets to Rock the Bells. And, being a massive Doom fan, not to mention Jedi Mind Tricks and a thousand other acts there, and the errands I needed to run, RTB seemed like a slightly better plan than getting my ass kicked by enormous tranny hookers.

While in NYC I got nothing of responsible importance done, but RTBs was awesome.

Anyway, after the show Martaun, his brother and some other guys hook up with this group of 30some to fifty-year-old women, who are clearly whores as well, and we find a 24 hour dinner, and get something to eat. And do a lot of coke. A lot.

At around noon is where my memory rejoins us. I have no clue who or how I fucked, but the general tone is that something happened. We're all still up, I after a short nap, and somehow we decided that we should play laser tap. I really don't know why.

Now we're at a QZar in North Jersey, in some depressing Mexican outlet mall. I'm not really sure what I'm on, but I'm really, really relaxed. Me and the girl I'm paired off with for no special reason are in the arcade, where I offer to pay her for a hummer. She tells me she's not a whore, and acts pissed off, but in a fake way, indicating that this is a game she played. I hint around again, and this time she said, "make an more interesting offer."

"Interesting like how?"

"Offer me something I've never been offered before."

"Okay, I'll give you 26 ski ball tickets if you let me shit in your mouth."

Apparently that was too far. She wigged out and started yelling that I was some sort of freak. Her friends came, my friends came, the manager came. She told everyone what I said, including the manger, and while he called the cops, my friends and I booked it out of there, leaving the hag whores in New Jersey with no car.

The End.

And I still don't have a job.

...And I still don't.

Hazzle
03-10-2007, 12:31 PM
Best. Story. Ever.

Digital_Ice
03-10-2007, 02:49 PM
tldr.

lol. :P

Katielondon
03-10-2007, 03:07 PM
im not reading all that!!

Porcelain_Doll
03-10-2007, 09:50 PM
Haz, he's like your long lost cousin/brother/son whatever. I didn't get much out of the first part, though, so I'm pulling the "English-is-not-my-first-language" card to get a translation. Man, that card is handy.

and wtf is "tldr", Ice?

Banana Breakfast
03-10-2007, 09:59 PM
and wtf is "tldr", Ice?

"Too long; didn't read."

JenR
03-10-2007, 10:04 PM
Gay or not, your still meeting up with me at the truck stop. :icon_razz

Porcelain_Doll
03-10-2007, 10:06 PM
"Too long; didn't read."

thanks.

He does that constantly, probably from being too lazy to type full words. :p

frodo1511
03-10-2007, 10:18 PM
I laffed at the black tranny part.

Banana Breakfast
03-10-2007, 10:35 PM
I laffed at the black tranny part.

You laugh at my pain? I'm going to kick your ass, homo!

Jacoby
03-10-2007, 11:18 PM
You laugh at my pain? I'm going to kick your ass, homo!


Lolz @ irony.

That story was funny. And I like to think tldr stands for "Totally laserific, dick reamer." Because the story featured both things.

Hazzle
04-10-2007, 12:41 PM
Isn't he just PD? I <3 BB, and the fact he may be gay is hawt. Heh Jake, classic line as always.