PDA

View Full Version : Critics Needed


Fancyman
27-08-2006, 05:29 PM
This is my first real try of poetry. (school work not incluided) Be critical and honest, im man enough to take it (as far as you know)

The Night the Moon Betrayed the Sun

It was the last dawn of existence
in which the sun would rise.
Unknowingly and blissfully
all went on with their lives.

The human race is ignorant,
but never so naive
to believe that life was perfect
with the impending doom that eve.

As night crept in, all got dark
and people went to bed.
Sleeping, dreaming peacefully
no one knew the sun was dead.

The sun and moon had always lived
in perfect harmony.
A perfect, loving relationship
that everyone envied

And then out of the blue,
completely unprovoked.
Everything was shattered
with three deadly strokes.

The moon betrayed the sun that night
Stabbed thrice in the back.
Death did not come quickly,
all night suffering did last.

The world was in a dark time
innocence would be missed.
Society filled with temptations
even the pure cannot resist.

People’s hatred is always growing
it was finally too much.
Nothing would stop the evil
even love was not enough.

As the night ended
rain began to fall
The sky was now crying.
There is hope after all.

The moon was full of regret
for all that it had done.
This pain only matched
by the sorrow of the sun.

The moon was truly sorry.
In death the sun would forgive.
Although the sun was killed
love will always live

It was not Armageddon.
The sun did rise again.
And in the morning the sun did shine.
It was only slightly dimmed.

This was inspired by life events, its not hard to figure out really.
It definately needs some work
your help is appreciated

Mandy
27-08-2006, 06:13 PM
In a metaphorical sense, it's lovely. It means something to you, and that's really what poetry should be all about.

Have to admit I was scratching my head a bit, but I like it.

CountryTomboy91
29-08-2006, 03:34 AM
I quite like it. I understand it. Don't change it, I don't think it needs more work than that, really.
Don't fix what wasn't broken...

Good work, Fancyman. It's better than the poems i write about roads. Seriously, i don't know why. i write poems about roads, deserted places, long train tracks, and trees. but that's me.
So i like yours.