View Full Version : Sex Advice from a Loser!

26-07-2006, 08:11 PM
This is something I wrote on a whim last night. It's a joke, obviously, and I really do respect women! Honest! Anyways, here it is:


by Jake DiLucia

There are many things not to do while having sex with a woman. I will now list them in numerical order.

1.) Flexing - Flexing is very taboo while physically getting pleasure from and possibly, though very unlikely, giving pleasure to a woman. Every guy wants to recreate his favorite scene from American Psycho (no, not the one where he does the moon walk and the little jig while Heuy Lewis and the News play in the background, the sex-flex scene) but it's out of the question. It's completely obscene.
Avoid fornication in a room with mirrors; large mirrors - where you can see yourself and your awesome muscles. You will feel an extreme urge to lift your hand above your head in a fist and, quite metaphorically, put on your own gun show. This is not what you want to do because your girlfriend will inevitably start to look at herself in the mirror also, and she'll start doing her own flexing. And girl's muscles are totally gross. Remember Chyna from the WWF? Yeah, that shit is horrid. Avoid the woman flex.

Solution: There is a simple solution to this age-old problem. Simply tape your act of lovemaking (it's better if the girl doesn't know, and also, if she doesn't know...you can pretend you're a spy - spies are a very respectable people.) Tape the fun-bump, watch it later, and flex all you want! You can also grunt as much as you want during the film! It won't affect the outcome. Pun intended. Just make sure you post the video on MySpace so we can all flex to it, too.

2.) Talking of Historical Disasters - It's true that a conversation about the morality of the Hiroshima attacks is very intriguing and interesting, but it's not admirable dirty-talk. No one wants to hear about the destruction the a-bomb caused when they're trying to drop a bomb of their own. Save it for after-sex talk. That is, if you don't fall asleep immediately after the sex.
Major Historical Events to Avoid:
-As mentioned before, Hiroshima
-The Holocaust
-Italy Winning the World Cup
-9/11 (obviously)
-Arrested Development's Cancellation
-and The Black Plague

Solution: There is a solution to this little quirk. If you replace keywords with sexy substitutes it can keep you in the game. For example: Don't say "Did you know Hitler slaughtered a lot of Jews during the Holocaust?" replace those keywords like so: "Did you know [Jenna Jameson] [got Eiffel Towered by] a lot of Jews (I like to keep Jews in there) during the [sexy orgy of '97]? How could that question not turn a person on?

3.) Writing Lists About ' Things Not to Do While Having Sex' - Seriously. This girl is almost losing interest. But whatever, this list is fun.

Solution: There is no [free] solution to this problem yet. Sorry.

4.) Discussing More Kinky Ways about Sex - Of course a threesome with Carrie from the Bowling team would be awesome, but that's (probably) not what a girl wants to hear when you're participating in a humpsicle. If you're interested in uping the ante in the bedroom, don't talk about it when you're getting physical in the bedroom, it will most likely end in a frustrated girlfriend and a handshake with the sherrif (you'll be doing the rest on your own if your girlfriend is pissed off.) That's a very dishonorable way to finish.
Also, if you're considering anything out of the ordinary (like something with no. 1 or no. 2 involved) please, do us a favor and stab yourself. I think I'd sleep better knowing that disgusting shit does not go on in the world. Outside of the internet, of course.

Solution: Kinky ideas, as aforementioned, should not be presented during sex. It's better received over a nice dinner. A nice Chicken Alfredo might get you that threesome you've always wanted.

Those are a few bedroom tips for you. Hopefully my advice works for you and your endeavours in the bedroom are more pleasurable! Bye for now!

Jake DiLucia