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Jacoby
25-05-2006, 05:23 AM
Some of my best memories with family and friends revolve around a kitchen table, between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.. The point where everyone is completely tired, some maybe a little drunk, but mellow; even your cousin Johnny who usually bounces off every fuckin' wall has his legs up on the chair next to him and talks in a slow. intoxicated pace. Everyone has stories to tell, and they're amusing. Usually this is when you get a glimpse into that person's life.

Anyways the basis of this thread is to tell a story from your life, something interesting, if you were hanging out at my kitchen table and it was 3:30 in the morning and were chatting and laughing, you would tell this story...so tell it here, since no one from the KKW is allowed in my house.

I'll start with one. It's absolutely true, even though it sounds really fake, it all happened. Usually when I tell it I leave sections of it out because people often reply with a stern, "bull shit." Anyways, it's embarassing, but here we go.

"Holding Your Own Shit"

Alright, I was about 13 or 14 when it went down, I was at my mom's friends house for New Year's Eve and everyone was completely hammered except me. I was the only kid in the place and the only person who would pay attention to me was their cat, Shadow. I was playing with Shadow upstairs (the adults were all downstairs playing cards) and I was being rough with him so he would box with me, his paws were giant, almost like boxing gloves, so I had a habbit of exchanging light punches with 'im. Anyways he was fond of me, he would follow me around to play and everything.
Later in the night, I was chowing down a bag of chips and random snacks, and reading a magazine while the cat was laying next to me. And I felt a number two comin on. They had a bathroom upstairs so I made my way there, and threw the door behind me and began the narsty business that is defication. I had thought the door was completely closed... but it was cracked open very slightly. At this point I was "mid-log" as I like to phrase it, when BAM! the cat burst in to play. The door literally swung open like it was the F.B.I. kicking it in to bust some coke dealer. But no, it was a cat that wanted to box (side note: could you imagine how cute a cat in an FBI uniform would be? That would be like cute enough to make the June layout on a calendar...) So the cat had burst in like a fucking crazed person, so I, startled as shit, jumped up and slammed the door. Yeah, while I jumped up and moved to the door I felt my...um...shit...fall... So, with my damned cat-like reflexes, I snatched it out of the air before it could hit the floor.
About two mili-seconds of thought made me realize the situation. A cat burst in the door, and now I'm holding my own shit in my hand. So I very appropriately screamed, and threw the turd back in the toilet and sat down quickly.
*Squish* Mr. Hanky didn't make it in the bowl, Jake. You're sitting on your own shit. It took a nice amount of toilet paper to clean the toilet seat and my own ass. Haha, to make matters worse they had one of those soft toilet seats that are like couch cushions...but I got it off sans a stain of any kind.
I never told the people who live there about that event. I figured they're better off not knowing.


Share a story if you have one. Everyone has a good story, it doesn't have to be gross or anything. Just a "Hey, one time..." story. (No band camp jokes, please.)

calereneau
25-05-2006, 05:54 AM
Oh the stories I could tell about poo....

I won't.


"One Very Good Reason Not To Spaz Out" By: Cale Reneau

My junior year in high school, I failed Algebra 2. Not because it was necessarily difficult, but moreso because I am unquestionably lazy. Anyhow, my Senior year I was faced with a tough decision: do I take Algebra 2 over again, or do I take "Math Models?"

If you're normal, you are probably asking yourself, "What is Math Models?"

Well, Math Models is fourth-grade math....no kidding. Obviously, being a lazy bast, I opted to not learn and signed up for math models. It was easy. Way too easy for me (the other people in the class struggled). A question on our first test read

Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. Hank Aaron hit 759 (or whatever). Who hit more?

No joke. So, seeing as how this class was remarkably easy and I was a huge band nerd, every class I would finish the assignment within 5 minutes and proceed to the band hall with a pass from my teacher.

One morning, as I was making my trek to the band hall, I decided that I want to go to the snack machine and indulge in some candy. (Keep in mind, this is the middle of class, the halls are empty, I am alone.) As I insert my change into the machine and delightfully choose Reeses Pieces as my candy, my face lights up with anticipation. Then, the unthinkable (yet utterly predictable) happened.

My Reeses Pieces became caught on the machine, and would not fall to the bottom!!!

In a spastic fit of rage, I took the liberty to express my anger and frustration in the comfort of a deserted hallway. In an instantaneous motioin my long monkey arms flailed through the air as I threw lightning quick punches into the nothingness that surrounded me. I turned around, assuming that the air behind me was due for a good ass-kicking, and continued to wail. I was shocked when my fist was stopped by a solid object.

I was even more shocked to discover that the solid object that stopped my fist was the breastbone of a 14-year-old girl who, upon collision with the force of my manliness, collapsed to the floor, gasping for air.

I AM FREAKING OUT!!

"Oh my God! oh my god! Are you okay??" I scream.

"I....I....ca....can't.....breathe...."

"Oh crap, I am so so sorry!"

I stay with her until she is able to get up and recover. I feel awful. I just beat down an innocent girl that I had never met before and have never seen since. I felt awful.

I gave her $5 and went to the band hall.

The end.

EmotionSickness
25-05-2006, 06:49 AM
Hahahaha. I had to take math models my senior year, for reasons I would rather not divulge on a message board. We were probably in the same school district.

Anyway, on-topic...I'll come up with a good anecdote soon. I have so many. I'm actually in the process of writing some memoirs (at the behest of many-a-friend and family member) about my life of silliness and comedic misfortunes.

kingdumbass
25-05-2006, 07:29 AM
I used to know this girl named Sunny....
Well, one night I went to visit her at her apartment, and she wasn't there when I showed up...but there was someone ELSE there: a dude named "Rocky". See, he had been staying with Sunny for the past few weeks, but I didn't know much about him, other than that he was a good guitar player. When I knocked on the door and Rocky answered, we exchanged a few words -- he seemed like a cool guy -- and even though Sunny wasn't home, he invited me in. We hung out at the kitchen table for maybe 20 minutes just talking, and then he made an odd offer to me. He said that he would give me 50 bucks if I gave him a ride somewhere so he could pick something up from a friend. The place was in a bad area of Detroit, but I figured, "Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen? This guy seems totally normal to me. Plus, he's friends with Sunny; it's not like he's gonna carjack me or anything. 50 bucks in my pocket for a short drive! Woo-hoo!"

Well, I drove Rocky to this bad neigborhood, and we pulled up in front of an old two-story house. He told me to wait where I was while he went inside to get something...but I started to get nervous. This place was shady. So, when he got out of the car to go inside the house, I left my engine running, thinking that at the first sign of trouble, I would haul ass out of there; but Rocky was weird about it.
"You should shut off your engine, man," he said, looking around nervously.
"No way," I replied.
He looked at me, hesitated, and then ran up to the house.

I sat there, feeling incredibly anxious, darting my eyes in every direction (I mean, this was a REAL SHITTY area of Detroit, and I was driving a BRAND NEW car), and a few minuted later, Rocky came back out, got into the car with me, and we took off without incident. But I noticed he was acting weird. The level of our conversation on the drive home was much different from how it had been on the way there. He seemed...sleepy, and a bit confused.
Yup -- you guessed it: the dude was a drug addict, and he had paid me to drive him to his dealer's house, so he could get high. When I spoke to Sunny later, she told me that Rocky was a heroin addict, and he shot up inside the dealer's house, so as to avoid exposing me to danger by having drugs in my car (if the cops catch ANYONE with drugs in your car, you are fucked, regardless of whether or not the drugs belong to you). I guess that was nice of him. Plus, I got his 50 bucks!

It later turned out that Sunny was a really crappy person (look at the company she kept -- a junkie, and ME!), and I have not talked to her in at least four years. Last I heard, Rocky was in jail.

I actually hope he turned out OK. He was a nice guy.

Jacoby
25-05-2006, 05:33 PM
Ah, the power of drugs.

My really GOOD friend of a few years ago gave his life up for sex and drugs. He was in the top ten percent of his class (one grade above me) in his junior year of high school. He was already applying and receiving scholarships for a technology institute in my city, which is a really good school.
Anyways the summer before his senior year, it was like a light switched on in his head...well, actually switched off. He began smoking weed because he thought it was cool and his cigarettes weren't enough. Which I don't care about, I don't smoke myself, but I know people who smoke pot and still have their lives on track. But the whole lifestyle took over my buddie's train of thought. It was weed and Halo and absolutely nothing else.
He gave up on school, got kicked out of his house, graduated from high school because he already had enough credits when he was a junior, and started dating the notorious slut of my high school. That last bit was absolutely shocking to me. This girl was ridiculous, she slept with four guys at one party. And proudly confirmed it. I dunno. But my friend who was now dating this wench used to make fun of her all the time, and claimed to despise her. It's funny, the first three letters of her last name are S t and D. We had a ball with that one.
So he dropped out of community college to screw his girlfriend. They made a video. Yeah, pretty gross. I was over his apartment one time and he tried to force me and the other kids who were there to watch it. I told him if he plugged the camcorder into the tv I would kill him and stuff his body in the toilet. So he had everyone who wanted to watch it crowd around the little camcorder screen. I could hear the audio and it was vomit enducing. Porn's a-ok with me, but when you know the people, it's weird, especially when you hate some of the people in the video. And during the course of their relationship there was plenty of cheating from both people. It disgusts me.

Now they're fighting over custody of their little boy. His name's Liam.

calereneau
25-05-2006, 08:13 PM
(I mean, this was a REAL SHITTY area of Detroit,

So.....like....the Greater Detroit Area?

once_dreaded
26-05-2006, 12:10 AM
Hmmmm...to tell the embarassing one or not to tell...I'll settle for not.

My One Acid Trip

I went to a friend's house for a party to celebrate a mutual friend getting out of jail (oh the company I used to keep...but he was sent to jail because he had a warrant and the owners of the coffee shop we went to hated the dude so they called the cops on him saying he was trespassing after being 86'd from the place). After we smoked some weed from a hooka in the bathroom all ten of us went back into the living room. My friend Terri asked me if I liked sweet tarts cuz she had a bunch of giant ones...course I love sweet tarts...and I was stoned so I accepted. After consuming the tart my friend, Kid, came over to me and asked if I had done Acid before, well...no...I've never tried it. He yelled over to Terri and told her that she just gave a virgin a double dipped tart. I started freaking out (not good to do after consuming Acid as it's a mood drug and heightens whatever mood you're in) so my friends decided that we needed to go for a walk to pick up orange juice before the effects really hit. So all ten of us are walking down the sidewalk in Fullerton, CA (this sidewalk had glittery minerals in it...no kidding) past a coffin shop (freaked me out) and down to the gas station where the OJ was purchased and then we went back to the friends house.
After getting back my friends wanted to show me what I would eventually be seeing so they turned on the play station and played one of the Virtual Fighters games but put it in tracer mode...that freaked me out. Then they turned off the lights and lit a bunch of candles...that's when it hit...*BAM*. I became afraid of lights...any kind of light...lucky for me Chicken and Jellyfish (Jakob and Jenny...don't ask why we called them that...we just did) were sober cuz they had to work the next day so they took me back to their apartment so I didn't freak out with the rest of the friends. They put me in front of their TV w/Fantasia on, handed me a cool transforming dragon robot to play with (I purchased one for myself a few days later), and gave me plenty of water to drink. Well...you drink enough water then you've got to go pee. So in I went to the bathroom and freaked out about my face that was doing crazy things in the mirror. While I was using the toilet I noticed their shower curtain had Orca whales on it...and they were swimming while the actual curtain was breathing and trying to reach out and kill me...after going to the bathroom 3 more times I convinced myself that the curtain couldn't get me and that I'd be okay if I relaxed.
In the morning Chicken and Jellyfish stopped by a donut shop on the way back to our friend's apartment, they purchased a dozen rainbow sprinkled donuts for the revellers and gave me a muffin so that I wouldn't freak out. When we got back all of my friends were still feeling good from all the OJ they drank and became entranced by the donuts. I went home and crashed out cold...my mom thought that I just drank a lot with my friends and that's why I didn't come home (I wasn't drinking alcohol at all at the time but I wasn't about to correct her regarding what happened the previous night). After waking up I decided that I would never accept anything from one of my friends without first asking what they did to it.
The end.

Kelsey
26-05-2006, 05:01 PM
This one time, I was in L.A., taking the bus because so many speeding tickets got my liscence revoked temporarily. well all of a sudden this guy goes crazy, and the cops are sent out to get people off the bus. problem is, they don't stop the bus they make people jump off the bus at full speed. after a couple people, they stop doing that and one of the cops jump on. that's when we found out the bus speed can't drop below 55. 55 on the l.a. freakin' highway. we drive everywhere, jump a construction site on the highway, around dodger stadium, ect. finally we trick the bastard by looping the video hes watching us on. that gets him for a little while, but then he chases us through the train station, and then i'm so traumatized I don't remember the rest.

Jacoby
26-05-2006, 05:22 PM
This one time, I was in L.A., taking the bus because so many speeding tickets got my liscence revoked temporarily. well all of a sudden this guy goes crazy, and the cops are sent out to get people off the bus. problem is, they don't stop the bus they make people jump off the bus at full speed. after a couple people, they stop doing that and one of the cops jump on. that's when we found out the bus speed can't drop below 55. 55 on the l.a. freakin' highway. we drive everywhere, jump a construction site on the highway, around dodger stadium, ect. finally we trick the bastard by looping the video hes watching us on. that gets him for a little while, but then he chases us through the train station, and then i'm so traumatized I don't remember the rest.

How did the bus driver not hit any pedestrains? I mean, going 55 through a city...and never going below 55? Getting into an accident of any sort is inevitable. And how did the looped video trick the criminal mastermind. It's a looped video...who wouldn't notice that?

There's too many plot holes in your story.

Hazzle
26-05-2006, 07:21 PM
I always knew Speed was based on a true story. Just a shame Kelsey looks NOTHING like Sandra Bullock.

Sandra Bullock actually has hair.

Kelsey
27-05-2006, 04:56 AM
I always knew Speed was based on a true story. Just a shame Kelsey looks NOTHING like Sandra Bullock.

Sandra Bullock actually has hair.

Um...what?



Jacoby, the bus driver did in fact hit some people, including a whole group of school children crossing the street.

Spire
29-05-2006, 01:38 AM
Lies.

Mandy
29-05-2006, 01:45 AM
OMGWTF Spire, you're alive.

Hazzle
29-05-2006, 03:21 AM
Lies.

Cunt off.

Welcome back you big gay twat. Where the fuck have you been?