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acliff
13-09-2005, 03:58 PM
This could be the start of something beautiful...

1) Don't drink petrol.
It sure smells nice, but it doesn't taste quite as good. Your gullet is a sensitive little bugger, and doesn't take kindly to such crude food (hoho) shoved down it. If you're lucky, you'll be sick. If you're not, it may or may not cause your stomach to stop working, at the very least temporarily.
Acceptable only when blowing fire. You may get some huge flaming burps going, but make sure flames do not go back down your throat. Your gullet is even more sensitive to fire.

2) Fingernails.
A regrowable source of, amongst other things calcium. But due to the sucky laws of physics and biology, you use up energy when you chew. Which will render your overall calorific intake negative, as your fingernails do not contain enough convertable energy to sustain their own regrowth. On a weight loss diet, this is of course ideal. If that is your ultimate goal, once you have no fingernails left, start chewing hair. Its a good workout for your jaw, and who really needs hair anyway?

tbc

duckula
13-09-2005, 06:14 PM
Hey aCliff, how come that despite your good diet you are still so short and girly looking?

apoggy
13-09-2005, 06:38 PM
A sickly child to begin with, he never quite caught up.

acliff
13-09-2005, 06:45 PM
Hey aCliff, how come that despite your good diet you are still so short and girly looking?

Good isn't exactly how I'd describe the diet... more like brutality stewed into a tiny morsel of tuna.

And i'm short because I'm a bonzai child.

acliff
13-09-2005, 08:27 PM
I'm double posting and I'm bored.

Essential Principles

There is two ways to lose weight, and two ways to gain weight.

To lose: Keep your food intake the same and raise the activity level, or reduce your food intake.
Conversely to gain (fat or otherwise): Keep your food intake and reduce the activity level, or increase your food intake.

Now the above statements are fundamentals of weight loss or gain. Not counting such things as water retention, differing ratios of food to exercise, hypertrophy, catabolism, ketosis, macro nutrient control, basal metabolic rate, metabolic slowdown, glycemic index, insulin, blood glucose control, et all for now, the above is all you need to do to lose weight/gain weight. Everything else is details.

As most people know, there is a certain amount of food which keeps your bodyweight at a specified level. Given a time interval of say a week, if you gain weight in that week, you have generally eaten more than this level, and if you have lost weight, you have eaten less than this level. Essentially, as long as you maintain this amount of food, and keep your activity level the same, you should stay the same in weight.
If you vary your activity level, increase it for example, you increase the amount of food that is required to maintain your weight. If your activity level
reduces, then the requirement food level will be lower. And as stated in the above essential principles, if you eat less than your body requires, you will lose weight, and if you eat more, than you will invariably gain weight.
In essense (i'm overusing these SS'ss), there is nothing really that you need to know.

To clarify, there are no fad diets, there are no secret diets, there is absolutely no reason to buy into these crazes, and spend money in order to feel guilty when you actually end up with more fat than you started off with. Simple truth, eat less, weight less. If a diet suggests to you that you can eat more while losing weight, then its bullshit. They've hidden the fact that they've tricked you into going into a calorific deficit. Every diet works on a calorific deficit.

What exactly is a calorie you ask? Did you know that most people in the world do not know / do not care what it is? Wouldn't it make you feel smarter knowing what it is? (even though by waiting for me to write the answer makes you too lazy for even google and this guide can't help you)
I shall clarify in the next installment.

(I sound pretentious and up my own arse, and thats because I am. If anything I say here offends you, or may send you into a spiralling cycle of bulemia and anorexia, look away now, and seek proper medical help)

Leonie
13-09-2005, 09:04 PM
OK, I have a question concerning weight gain. It's probably stupid, but I've wondered ever since I started chemistry and physics in secondary school.

What happened to mass of substances staying the same throughout chemical reactions? Why does some food make you fat, whereas you can eat tomatoes till kingdom come? I know tomatoes are almost all water, so that explains something, but why is chocolate more likely to make you gain weight than... bread or something?

I realise certain foods require more energy to be processed, and as such, are less likely to make you gain weight, but something in there still isn't right. A kilo of chocolate or a kilo of sugar - why is there a difference?

barrington
13-09-2005, 09:06 PM
One Calorie is universally accepted as the amount of brainpower required to understand one of the esoteric philosophical references in one Calvin & Hobbes cartoon in one minute.

acliff
13-09-2005, 09:15 PM
One Calorie is universally accepted as the amount of brainpower required to understand one of the esoteric philosophical references in one Calvin & Hobbes cartoon in one minute.

Correct. And this activity just happens to use up 4200 joules of energy. And as you don't want to be multiplying everything by 4200, especially when trying to understand the esoteric references of anything. And as scientists, believe it or not, like to make it easier for themselves (sometimes) they've classified this particular unit as a calorie.

As it happens, this amount of energy, 4200J, is also the amount of energy required to raise the temperature of 1kg of water by 1 degree kelvin (or celsius)
From average room temperature, (lets say 20) to boiling, in a completely efficient kettle, it would take 336000J to boil a litre (approx) of water.
Thats 80 calories to boil a litre of water.
A chocolate bar of 100g has about 6 times that value, at around 560 calories.

acliff
13-09-2005, 09:41 PM
OK, I have a question concerning weight gain. It's probably stupid, but I've wondered ever since I started chemistry and physics in secondary school.

What happened to mass of substances staying the same throughout chemical reactions? Why does some food make you fat, whereas you can eat tomatoes till kingdom come? I know tomatoes are almost all water, so that explains something, but why is chocolate more likely to make you gain weight than... bread or something?

I realise certain foods require more energy to be processed, and as such, are less likely to make you gain weight, but something in there still isn't right. A kilo of chocolate or a kilo of sugar - why is there a difference?

No food makes you fat. The only thing making someone fat is themselves.
There are no 'bad' foods, except maybe petrol as above. (disclaimer drinking lots of petrol to stay thin is not a viable option) However, there maybe foods that you eat which trigger overeating, which of course is not beneficial for any kind of weight management (yes, even gaining weight/muscle),for example, cashew nuts, double chocolate chip cookies, hill station mango and lime ice cream, and green and blacks white chocolate will make me go craving crazy.

Foods are different from each other by what they are made of. Which is a very trivial concept. In general, they are made up of water, protein, carbohydrates (which incorporates sugar), fat, minerals, vitamins, dietary fibre. Varying combinations of these are prevalent in any particular type of food.

Meat is protein, butter is fat, pasta is carbs. Which everyone knows. If they don't, then they really need to pay attention.

With some foods its pretty easy to distinguish, as the above. But what about things like full fat milk? Its got a combination of protein, carbs, and fats. In fact, its got more carbs than the other two. In comparison, orange juice, is mainly carbs and water.

To follow with the example in the question, 100grams of chocolate is about 550 calories. 100 grams of sugar is 400 calories. Why exactly is it less?
Well its actually quite hard to just eat 100 grams of sugar. Imagine chewing through 1/10 of a bag of sugar. Chocolate is not just sugar, it is again a combination of mainly sugar and fat. Fat stores more energy than either protein or carbs.

As all living things evolved, fat, oil etc have excelled as a way of storing energy. It is more dense than either protein or carbohydrates, and stores 9calories per gram of fat. That means a tablespoon worth of oil would be
135 calories. A decent layer of butter on a piece of toast might range from 100-300 calories (dripping, not including the toast). In contrast, protein and carbohydrates stores 4 calories per gram. Fat stores more than double the amount that a gram of protein/carboydrates can. Which is why your body loves to dump excess energy into making fat 'for the cold harsh winter'.

Back to chocolate, as chocolate has about 20-30 g of fat in it, that really does bump up the calories. Then again, it could be worse, you could have 100grams of macademia nuts at 700 calories per 100 grams, 100grams of cheddar, at 750 calories per 100 grams, or real gravy, which is approx 800 calories per 100grams. Mmmm fatty.

I'm off for a protein shake and bed, but rest assured, I'll be back tomorrow while I'm bored at work.

deviljet88
13-09-2005, 11:28 PM
How many calories does Cliff lose typing up this extremely long nutritional guide?

apoggy
13-09-2005, 11:42 PM
Ive got a tip on how to loose 21 grams instantaneously.

hasselbrad
14-09-2005, 12:24 AM
No food makes you fat. The only thing making someone fat is themselves.
There are no 'bad' foods, except maybe petrol as above. (disclaimer drinking lots of petrol to stay thin is not a viable option) However, there maybe foods that you eat which trigger overeating, which of course is not beneficial for any kind of weight management (yes, even gaining weight/muscle),for example, cashew nuts, double chocolate chip cookies, hill station mango and lime ice cream, and green and blacks white chocolate will make me go craving crazy.

Foods are different from each other by what they are made of. Which is a very trivial concept. In general, they are made up of water, protein, carbohydrates (which incorporates sugar), fat, minerals, vitamins, dietary fibre. Varying combinations of these are prevalent in any particular type of food.

Meat is protein, butter is fat, pasta is carbs. Which everyone knows. If they don't, then they really need to pay attention.

With some foods its pretty easy to distinguish, as the above. But what about things like full fat milk? Its got a combination of protein, carbs, and fats. In fact, its got more carbs than the other two. In comparison, orange juice, is mainly carbs and water.

To follow with the example in the question, 100grams of chocolate is about 550 calories. 100 grams of sugar is 400 calories. Why exactly is it less?
Well its actually quite hard to just eat 100 grams of sugar. Imagine chewing through 1/10 of a bag of sugar. Chocolate is not just sugar, it is again a combination of mainly sugar and fat. Fat stores more energy than either protein or carbs.

As all living things evolved, fat, oil etc have excelled as a way of storing energy. It is more dense than either protein or carbohydrates, and stores 9calories per gram of fat. That means a tablespoon worth of oil would be
135 calories. A decent layer of butter on a piece of toast might range from 100-300 calories (dripping, not including the toast). In contrast, protein and carbohydrates stores 4 calories per gram. Fat stores more than double the amount that a gram of protein/carboydrates can. Which is why your body loves to dump excess energy into making fat 'for the cold harsh winter'.

Back to chocolate, as chocolate has about 20-30 g of fat in it, that really does bump up the calories. Then again, it could be worse, you could have 100grams of macademia nuts at 700 calories per 100 grams, 100grams of cheddar, at 750 calories per 100 grams, or real gravy, which is approx 800 calories per 100grams. Mmmm fatty.

I'm off for a protein shake and bed, but rest assured, I'll be back tomorrow while I'm bored at work.


So...let me get this straight...four buttermilk biscuits the size of your face, drowned in sausage gravy, with a side of sausage and bacon, all washed down with a pot of coffee is bad for me?
Sonofabitch!

Brown Guy
14-09-2005, 03:58 AM
I like the diet where you only eat foods that begin with vowals

acliff
14-09-2005, 06:13 AM
So...let me get this straight...four buttermilk biscuits the size of your face, drowned in sausage gravy, with a side of sausage and bacon, all washed down with a pot of coffee is bad for me?
Sonofabitch!

Sorry for the bad news mate, but thats not so bad. Duckula will confirm that on certain days during exam season I was eating like man 3 times my size. With mad munchies.

Half a box of cereal in the morning, 8 slices of bread slathered in peanut butter ftw snack, half a pound of chocolate, fudge, a frey bentos pie, a cake or two, various little chocolates along the way, bought milkshakes, then to finish the evening with a huge kebab, and a full tub of Ben and Jerry's phish food. And maybe some quickly whipped up pasta at around 2am when I get hungry again. Not to mention the cashew nuts.

Vowel diets... Ice cream and apple danishes for the win.

marine
14-09-2005, 07:21 PM
Ive got a tip on how to loose 21 grams instantaneously.

a little bit too definitive, don't you think?