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Allanon
15-04-2005, 04:03 PM
I´ll post a bit of my book and you guys might read it if you like and comment if you like. (You know the deal)


Zeldox woke up. He thought he had heard a noise or was this noise only a figure of his dreams. He rose up and drew his sword slowly so that he wouldn’t make a noise of his own and then sneaked away towards the sound in the woods. Once again he thought he heard the noise of someone or something that moved with almost silent steps, but he couldn’t se anything. Therefore he kept on going in to the woods, until he ones more, this time it came from his left. He turned that way with his sword ready and still he didn’t see anything. Without warning a shadow pulled it self from the surroundings and attacked Zeldox with a sword, Zeldox parried and lashed out at his shadowy enemy that jumped backwards and avoided the blow. The Shadow pulled another sword from his back, Zeldox reacted just as quick and drew his dagger from his belt. Zeldox swung his sword in an attempt to end the fight as quick as possible, but his adversary parried and in return he swung his other sword at Zeldox that barely succeeded in a turn to one side. Zeldox tackled his opponent so the both of them rolled around on the ground, in the fall the shadow lost his swords. Both of them rolled with it and then stood up just as fast as they fell. The shadow had during the fall somehow drown his bow and was now aiming it at Zeldox, but the shadow had Zeldox sword against his throat.
“We seem to have struck a point of no winning” the shadow said.
“So it seems.”
At that moment they heard the sound of someone running close by. Both of them turned that way ready for whatever it was out in the woods.
“What do you think about us putting our little fight on ice for the moment”, Zeldox asked.
“I think I will have to agree with you.”
Sireen burst out of a bush and looked wildly to the left and then to the right, finally she saw Zeldox and the shadow.
“Zeldox we need you in camp, we’re under attack”, she panted heavily as she said this.’
She only now seemed to notice the shadow at his side.
“Whose that”
“I really don’t know”, he answered in a tone that said that he really didn’t care at this moment. “But what’s happening in the camp.”
“We’re under attack by small ugly things on wolves.”
”Run back to camp and help the others, I’ll be right behind you.”
Sireen ran back towards the camp and Zeldox turned to his adversary.
”Who are you and why are you out here”
”I can’t tell you that”, the shadow said with chill in his voice like if he knew that neither of them could win a battle between them.
”Then I can’t let you go.”
”Well I don’t mind because I’m not leaving. It was her that I were looking for”, the shadow said and nodded towards the way that Sireen had vanished just moments before.
Zeldox raised his sword.
”Why are you looking for her”, he asked with an unspoken threat in his voice.
”You have no business knowing that.”
”We’ll have a little chat you and I, but now my friends need me.”
”As I told you before I’m not leaving so that means that I’ll help you.”
The shadow picked both of his swords of the ground and the both of them started to run towards the camp almost without a sound. When they came closer they heard something growling and the sound of victorious voices. The shadow grabbed Zeldox and pulled him backwards just as he was going to run through the bushes that separated him from his friends.
”What are you doing”, Zeldox asked.
The only thing the shadow did was to signal for Zeldox to be quiet and then he pulled away a part of the bush and pointed towards a spot in the glade where all his friends lay tied up. The ugly little things were going through there packs, Then Zeldox saw that three of his friends were missing.
”Calic, Sireen and Xylouw is missing”, he said mostly for himself.
”We’ll have to wait until they have gone away before we can look for your friends.”
”You’re probably right, but we have to rescue the others later too.”
”Of course we will do that but you and can’t manage that by ourselves we need help.”
Zeldox agreed but still didn’t like the suggestion and silently watch as the ugly ones dragged his friends and there packs away. When they had vanished in the distance they started to look for traces of Calic, Sireen and Xylouw. It didn’t take them much time to find the traces of two people that went in to the woods.
”But this is only two pair of traces”, Zeldox said a bit worried.
”Let’s follow these tracks and see where they lead”, the shadows answered.
They followed the tracks far into the woods and soon they heard someone cursing close by, they started to walk towards the sound. When they reached the sounds they saw Xylouw leaning over something on the ground while Calic walked around cursing. Zeldox and the shadow walked out of the bushes. Calic drew his weapon but then he saw it was just Zeldox and let it fall to the ground so that it rested with it’s point in the ground.
”We where afraid you had been captured too”, Calic said.
”Me and my friend here didn’t get to the others before they were captured and therefore we weren’t captured.”
Calic inspected the shadow and looked a little suspicious but didn’t say anymore.
”Where’s Sireen”, Zeldox asked.
”She was attacked by the Berdox and was captured before myself and Xylouw could help her.”
Zeldox gave up a shout and punched a tree that was nearby. For the first time Xylouw looked up.
”She’s still alive and we must save her”, he said calming Zeldox down. Then he looked at the shadow who stood a little to the side and for a second he looked like he knew the man.
”We must split up so that we can save the others too”, Calic pointed out.
”Calic, you and I try to catch up with the #insert name of race here# ”, Xylouw said.
”Should I hunt the Berdox alone you think”, Zeldox said a little annoyed.
”No, you have him, haven’t you”, Xylouw replied and nodded towards the shadow.
”Him”
Zeldox didn’t seem to happy with this answer.
”He’s the best help you can get, believe me.”
He the signalled for Calic to follow him and the both of them ran back towards the glade to pick up the hunt.
”If We’re going to hunt together I’ll better introduce myself, my name is Santiir”, the shadow said.
”My name is Zeldox.”
”I know”
”How can you know that”

PhoeniX
15-04-2005, 04:23 PM
Hmmm interesting, what's the title of it?

Allanon
15-04-2005, 04:53 PM
It doesn´t really have a title yet

Allanon
15-04-2005, 06:21 PM
hmm... why won´t anybody comment I wonder. Is it because of lacyness or is there nothing to comment?

bruman
15-04-2005, 09:03 PM
cos i'm to lazy to read after a day of work (study)

Ardnax
16-04-2005, 08:27 AM
Really great! At first I didn't intended to read it because I've just woke up but when I started reading I couldn't stop.

JackYang
18-04-2005, 03:57 AM
Meh... tooo lazy it's tooooo long.

barrington
18-04-2005, 08:06 AM
You'll want to work on your English if you're intending to write books.

Allanon
18-04-2005, 08:29 AM
So tell me something I´m doing wrong then.

Digital_Ice
18-04-2005, 09:25 AM
kewl book... is it just me or do the character names get more and more obscure as it continues

Allanon
18-04-2005, 09:30 AM
Maybe so, Some names are to be changed I just hasn´t come up with something better yet.

Kelsey
19-04-2005, 05:34 AM
Nice. There are a few things I would change. On many of the parts it reads like it was forced - I get the impression you sat there, and as you were writing it, struggled over and thought about every single word. I catch myself doing this every once in awhile, but let me tell you, it's so much easier when you just sit and write and don't think so hard about it. Whatever you do, as much as you want to, don't reread what you've written...just keep going forward. You'll have plenty of opportunities to reread what you've written and make the necessary and appropriate changes.

Otherwise, I think it's awesome that you are writing - be sure to post more. I am mostly into the screenwriting thing, but garnered some interest in a memoir-type project awhile ago. Luckily, this particular firm passed, and I say luckily because since it was based on my own experiences, it doesn't quite have that bang of an ending. Point is, keep writing, try new things, and aim high.

Good luck.

Kelsey

Allanon
19-04-2005, 08:22 AM
Thanks for the advice. And the reason it feels forced is because I wrote it a long time ago when the most of what I wrote is like this.

Kelsey
20-04-2005, 05:10 PM
*shrug* You asked for advice, I gave it. So good, it sounds like it's in need of a rewrite anyways.

Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more.

DragonRat
21-04-2005, 02:48 AM
Sounds like the conflict was resolved too quickly. If anything, one of the three band members (Zeldox, Calic, or Xylouw) should be wary of Santiir's intentions; perhaps one of them is too trusting, and that might threaten to break the bonds of the three and split the group.

You also need to provide a better description of the characters themselves. What are they wearing? What do they look like? Is there something specific that sets them apart from one another, besides exotic names? What is the background behind their friendship? You don't need to answer these questions and put them into the story word for word, but you may imply the answers. A scar or a magic ring could mean the difference between a flat character and a round character (oy, creative writing class is coming back to me like a frail wind).

Allanon
21-04-2005, 06:59 AM
As explained before this is a peace of the book, I have already described them and what they are. And who says that no one of them know who Santiir is, just because I haven´t written it in this bit of the book doesn´t mean they don´t know him. As a matter of fact the only one that doesn´t know him of the trio is Zeldox. And Santiir is there to protect Sireen but the only ones that know that, is Calic and Xylouw. Because it is foretold in a very old book that she (Not exactly written that it is her but they have figured out that it is) will play a great role in the upcoming battle for the earth as they know it. The problem is that the enemie know that too, so they sent there best "gatekeeper" to keep her under close watch. You will get to know what a gatekeeper is later on in the explaining bit. And who says there isn´t a magic ring, sword or something of that sort?

Perhaps I will post a more explaining bit of the book when I´ve translated it to english.

Ps. This bit wasn´t supposed to be a long plot and it will get longer in the future, because I always write "forced" then go back and make it more "natural" when I come up with something really good.