PDA

View Full Version : How about telling some jokes?


Pages : [1] 2 3 4

Ranman
05-12-2004, 01:52 AM
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter
had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had
particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around
didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now
I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went
back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he
let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran
into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress
and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on
the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let
the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out
on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or
something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and
caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I
couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out
onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started
beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he
ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding
on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and
fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

IBO
05-12-2004, 01:57 AM
Lol Hahhahahahaha!
________
Uruguayan Recipes (http://www.cooking-chef.com/uruguayan/)

Hazzle
05-12-2004, 01:58 AM
Heard it before. But funny nonetheless.

deviljet88
05-12-2004, 02:01 AM
LMFAO good one lol

IBO
05-12-2004, 02:09 AM
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
________
No2 Vaporizer (http://no2vaporizer.net)

Renegade
05-12-2004, 02:12 AM
haha nice. I like 10 and 3.

Hazzle
05-12-2004, 02:12 AM
I Love 3.

Ranman
05-12-2004, 02:18 AM
Top 10 Things Men Would Do If They Had a Vagina for a Day


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing
time.
4. Have 300 consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And the number-one thing men would do if they had a vagina for a day:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Hazzle
05-12-2004, 02:35 AM
PMSL. You probably ripped those off Letterman but STILL hilarious!

frodo1511
05-12-2004, 02:42 AM
Totally stolen from the Man show:

If you had the choice of, A. spending the day with Pamela Anderson, or B. Free spaghetti for life, what would you choose?


Answer: the spaghetti, because it dosen't have hepatitus C.

Ranman
05-12-2004, 03:12 PM
I hope I dont offend anyone with this, Its only a joke and If I do Im very sorry


Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always
so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning
before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I
made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

"Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue...
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and
'shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he
spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised
eyes,broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice
that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...
If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog.

Foeni
05-12-2004, 04:05 PM
Good one, Ranman!

deviljet88
06-12-2004, 03:48 AM
Yet again nice joke Ranman :D

Ranman
06-12-2004, 07:45 PM
Another day, Another joke


One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle
yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they
got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to
cum, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.
He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit
in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his
hands up."

Foeni
06-12-2004, 09:14 PM
We've actually had a thread like this before, but since is has died, I'll happily make this one live. In order to do that, I'm planning to continue the way I stopped: mostly posting funny pics. Here's one...

Pygmalion
06-12-2004, 10:08 PM
Q. Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A. A dead baby wearing a clown suit!

hasselbrad
07-12-2004, 01:39 PM
Q. Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A. A dead baby wearing a clown suit!

Unless you are scared of clowns...then that would just be scary. :eek:

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

Hazzle
07-12-2004, 05:33 PM
A good friend will die for you. A great friend will kill for you.

Ranman
07-12-2004, 08:51 PM
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard
Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd
time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."


20. Is for you, lets see who can come up with something.

hasselbrad
07-12-2004, 09:04 PM
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

I used to do this all the time until it was pointed out that a check is a legal document, i.e. the fact that I had written "sexual favors" on the memo line would be admissable in a court of law. I stopped.

20. Answer all phone calls "Stuffy's Buttfuck Shop."

Leonie
07-12-2004, 09:39 PM
Hmmm. That sanity stuff is from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, isn't it? Awesome book :) Yes, I'm that pathetic. So? :icon_razz

Ashley
07-12-2004, 09:59 PM
Chicken Soup for the Soul any of the books, are awesome. I used to read them and just sob. I loved them.


Back on topic: A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins?

The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist.

Mags
07-12-2004, 10:16 PM
Since the only really terrible joke I know is quite regional, here's one for all the Texans.

How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?


13. 1 to do it and 12 to die trying.

Ashley
07-12-2004, 11:02 PM
Since the only really terrible joke I know is quite regional, here's one for all the Texans.

How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?


13. 1 to do it and 12 to die trying.

Was the in reference to the bonfire incident? Wasn't that the Aggies?

Mags
08-12-2004, 02:32 AM
Yeah...it was. In...1999 I believe, while participating in the annual Aggie Bonfire, the bonfire collapsed and killed twelve students.

There's also been a long-standing saying at A&M about the "12th Man" though I have no idea what it's about.

I just know any Aggie who heard that joke would probably be inclined to beat me up.

hasselbrad
08-12-2004, 03:11 PM
A good friend will die for you. A great friend will kill for you.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying, "damn...that was fun."

Hazzle
08-12-2004, 04:40 PM
A friend'll help you move. A good friend will help you move bodies.

Ashley
08-12-2004, 05:06 PM
There's also been a long-standing saying at A&M about the "12th Man" though I have no idea what it's about.


The 12th man refers to football. There are 11 starters and then the 1st sub would be the 12th man, but they're respecting all players by saying they are all the 12th men.... it's the same as basketball's 6th man.

Pygmalion
08-12-2004, 09:35 PM
Saw a good legend on a T-shirt
Lol more clowns

"Rape is no laughing matter
Unless you're raping a clown"

Hazzle
08-12-2004, 10:43 PM
Saw a good legend on a T-shirt
Lol more clowns

"Rape is no laughing matter
Unless you're raping a clown"

Arrr. Love that! I still liked that T-shirt your mate is making for you "I fucked your girlfriend". I want one like that :p

hasselbrad
08-12-2004, 10:54 PM
Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is very quick.
Boil the chicken.
Dump the stock.

Hazzle
08-12-2004, 10:57 PM
Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is very quick.
Boil the chicken.
Dump the stock.

ARRRR.

Ok, I heard some funny election slogans, so here's one:

"If he loses, he promises not to kill himself, if he wins, he promises not to kill you"

Ranman
10-12-2004, 09:26 AM
Lets try one more

one saturday night 3 buddies were out having a good time drinking.
they parted eachother's company around 3 am.
the next night they all met up with eachother.
the first guy says man i got so wasted last night
i went home and blew chunks. the second guy says i got
so bombed ion the way home i stopped to take a leak
and pissed on a cop car. the third guy said you think thats bad
i had to take a shit and stopped next to this building and took
my dump and feel asleep there and woke up next to a church with
people all around me. the first guy says you two dont understand
how bad it really is, chunks is my dog.

Hazzle
10-12-2004, 11:47 AM
ROFL. Love it. Another priceless joke. GG chief, keep em up ;)

CFC
10-12-2004, 08:02 PM
So a dyslexic walks into a bra............................................

Hazzle
11-12-2004, 12:21 AM
This isn't so much a joke as a funny true life story. Yes, some guy really did this.

One of my old lecturers from my masters course is now at Cambridge and was interviewing applicants for admission. Applicants had been given materials on several topics to do with law and law reform etc and asked to discuss their views in the interview. One of the topics was research which showed that the male brain tended to be more analytical, focussed on deconstructing what the cases say, what the statutes say, and arriving at what the law "is", whereas the female brain tended to put the law in its sociological context, adding emotion and things such as ethics and morals. Now this wasn't to disparage women, far from it, it was to say they bring a different perspective which, speaking as a law student, helped me change my own mindset and become more contextual. ANYWAY, that's all the boring shit. The article then looked at law schools, and how law is taught in a very..."masculine" way...and thus unfairly disfavoured women, making it harder for women to succeed in the legal profession, and the question put to the students applying to Cambridge was...what should law schools do to address this.

And one bright spark, predicted straight As at A-level, apparently a good applicant but for this one thing, decided that if that's how women thought, the job of law schools was to teach women how to think like men :p. You know how they say there are some questions that have no wrong or right answer? Well that was probably the ONLY wrong answer...needless to say he didn't get a place.

Meh...I found it funny, not saying much I suppose, maybe you had to be there? <shrugs>.

Pygmalion
11-12-2004, 07:37 AM
I got another baby joke!

Q What do you call a dead baby with a broken jaw?

A Deep Throat

Flightfreak
11-12-2004, 07:16 PM
i was cleaning up my hard disc and i found this funny * card virus*
:)

Pygmalion
12-12-2004, 10:36 PM
Q. whats funnier than a dead baby?
A. A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome

marry rich people
12-12-2004, 10:58 PM
What is with all these dead baby jokes? Did a dead baby make fun of you and emotionally scar you when you were little?

Ranman
13-12-2004, 12:10 AM
weight loss

Flightfreak
02-01-2005, 10:36 AM
http://users.pandora.be/A----Freak/windows_2000_australia.jpg

Liam
02-01-2005, 11:13 AM
You fucking ripper.

deviljet88
02-01-2005, 12:47 PM
Heard one of the worst jokes on radio: What's chocolate and goes around the Sun? A Mars Bar.

Btw nice one FF :)

Ranman
02-01-2005, 01:16 PM
This is just a joke, I hope all you woman take it that way

Rules for Women

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's
just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like oral sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Andrew
04-01-2005, 08:57 PM
Marriage part 1

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and
I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Renegade
04-01-2005, 10:03 PM
lol. Nice post Andrew. You've got some funny jokes there.

Jacoby
10-01-2005, 06:20 PM
Found some good comics online...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/devendra87/astro.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/devendra87/billiards.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/devendra87/Gotcha.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/devendra87/Hammer.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/devendra87/sun.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/devendra87/weeaboo.jpg

These are all made by one guy. Visit his site (http://cheston.com/pbf/) here, or look at all of his comics (http://cheston.com/pbf/archive.html).

deviljet88
11-01-2005, 07:09 AM
http://theuklads.com/Gallery/beerprayer.jpg

Nice ones Jacoby.

Ranman
12-01-2005, 09:10 AM
A 21 year old guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender
for 12 shots of Jack Daniels
The bartender ask "whats going on"?
The says "its my 21st birthday and I just had my first blowjob"
The bartender says "great let me buy you a drink"
The guys says" dont bother if 12 shots wont get that taste
out of my mouth, nothing will".

deviljet88
12-01-2005, 11:09 AM
Eww.

Yoinked the following off someone's signature in another forum.

Famous last words: What a dope! He can't throw a spear that faaarrrgh...

marine
18-01-2005, 04:06 PM
thanks you guys I had the greatest time reading these jokes, esp ranman's and andrew's ones. :)

hasselbrad
21-01-2005, 01:33 PM
How did Pinocchio finally figure out he was made of wood?


His hand caught on fire.

Zavender
21-01-2005, 07:08 PM
Two men walk into a bar, the third ducks...

This duck walks into a drug store and says, "Give me some Chapstick, and put it on my bill."

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

Meh, sadly this is the best I could do.

Jacoby
21-01-2005, 07:46 PM
How did Pinocchio finally figure out he was made of wood?


His hand caught on fire.

LOL.

That one took me a second :icon_redf

DefyingGravity
22-01-2005, 04:46 AM
What's long and sticky?





....A STICK

OMGWTFLMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Flightfreak
22-01-2005, 06:31 PM
:bump:

http://www.hahahumor.com/funny-flash-movies/dearpenis.swf
Put the volume high :D

marine
22-01-2005, 06:33 PM
:bump:
http://www.hahahumor.com/funny-flash-movies/dearpenis.swf

what is it about? i can't get to the page

Flightfreak
22-01-2005, 06:35 PM
you need flash my dear :)
flash (http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/download.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash)

marine
22-01-2005, 06:46 PM
you need flash my dear :)
flash (http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/download.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash)

thanks darling :), I got flash but the access is forbidden, anyway I'm sure it was hilarious.

Flightfreak
22-01-2005, 07:08 PM
Try this one honey, :)
Dear Penis (http://www.zone.ee/someflashes/dearpenis.swf)

marine
22-01-2005, 07:43 PM
Try this one honey, :)
Dear Penis (http://www.zone.ee/someflashes/dearpenis.swf)

now that was def hilarious, my dear! :)
do you think all the guys will sing this song at a point of their life?

Foeni
23-01-2005, 08:35 PM
Nevah! Me and my penis have thing that'll always be there :)
Good one btw, FF.
And what's up with you two? Honey, Darling, Dear.... You guys started dating or what?

deviljet88
24-01-2005, 01:19 AM
Marine is Flightfreak's latest stalking target.

Richard
24-01-2005, 08:55 PM
Why did Freddy Krueger kill Martin Luthur King Jr.?

It's lame, but it shouldn't be hard at all.

hasselbrad
26-01-2005, 05:07 PM
The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!"
Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him "pick a number from 1 to 10; if you pick the right number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the number 8, and the gas station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a
number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week.

hasselbrad
26-01-2005, 07:06 PM
My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Dionysus
28-01-2005, 03:11 PM
does anyone remember that joke from the office about the queen and a black guys cock
that was funny, though funnnier still when david tried to retell it when the black guy walks up LMFAO

DefyingGravity
30-01-2005, 04:32 AM
Why did Freddy Krueger kill Martin Luthur King Jr.?

It's lame, but it shouldn't be hard at all.

That is so stupid, but I laughed out loud when it hit me.

Zavender
30-01-2005, 04:50 AM
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Flightfreak
31-01-2005, 03:12 PM
:D
http://www.flyingcirkus.com/forum/uploads/JMcQueen/2004-11-22_203512_catcarry.JPG

marine
01-02-2005, 04:59 PM
Why did Freddy Krueger kill Martin Luthur King Jr.?

It's lame, but it shouldn't be hard at all.

ok, somebody fill me in,please, coz I didn't get it

hasselbrad
01-02-2005, 06:03 PM
ok, somebody fill me in,please, coz I didn't get it

Freddy Krueger would appear in people's dreams and then kill them in the Nightmare on Elm Street films.
MLK's most famous quote begins with "I have a dream..."
It took me a while to get my literal brain around it. All it did was frustrate me because I can't remember the ignorant redneck who was supposedly responsible for killing MLK's name.

marine
01-02-2005, 06:06 PM
ok thanks

SimplyKnightley
04-02-2005, 04:36 AM
this could also be in the either or thread :icon_lol:

marine
04-02-2005, 07:14 AM
:icon_lol:

MrPink
05-02-2005, 04:03 PM
why did the boy fall off of his skateboard?

coz he was hit by a fidge. :)

Whats brown and sticky?

a tree branch :)

Ranman
07-02-2005, 01:40 AM
Nelson is the american champion wrestler.
He and his coach go to france to fight the french champion.
His coach tells him " Nelson you can beat this guy just stay
out of his submission hold call the Pretzel hold"
Nelson agrees and the two men go at it.
Within one minute nelson is in the Prezel hold.
Nelson's coach screams and runs into the locker room.
One minute later Nelson comes running in screaming "I won"
The coach says how the hell did you get out of the Pretzel hold?
Nelson says" well coach it was like this, I thought i was doing good
then all of a sudden he got me in that hold, After a minute in it I looked
up and saw a pair of testicles so I bit them"
The coach says "how did that help"
Nelson says " you would be surprised what you can do when you
Bite your own testicles".

JackYang
07-02-2005, 01:49 AM
LMAO!!! :icon_rofl

DefyingGravity
07-02-2005, 03:22 AM
Whats brown and sticky?

a tree branch :)

No no no NO. You REALLY screwed that joke up. It goes like this:

"What's long, brown, and sticky?"

"A STICK!"

Yeesh. If you're going to tell a lame joke, at least get the punchline correct.

Ranman
10-02-2005, 12:37 AM
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The
doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10
Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me,
Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for."

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop
said "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure
did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light
on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the
cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

hasselbrad
11-02-2005, 03:16 PM
A man walks into a brothel and says "I only have five bucks - is there
anything you can do for me?"
The Madam says "Yes", and gives him a duck.
The man hands over the cash, and disappears upstairs with the duck.

A couple of weeks later he comes back. "I have ten bucks this time." he
says, "What'll that get me?"
The madam hands the man another duck.

"Hold on!" says the man, "How come this duck is ten when the other one
was only five? "They're both ducks!"

"Ah yes, that's right", says the Madam,
"But this one doesn't have syphillis."

FooTM
11-02-2005, 03:23 PM
Tomorrow was Katies birthday, and she was very excited.

"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.

"Don't know" he replied, playing along.

"I'll be six!" she replied.

She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"

"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.

So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.

"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.

"How did you know that?" replies Katie.

"Because I heard you saying it to your dad" was the reply.

----------------

How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend?
Shit in her cunt.

----------------

Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.

----------------

"Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub".

"Oh yeah? How's that then?"

"I'm a rapist".

marry rich people
11-02-2005, 10:28 PM
That first joke was possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. My mind is corrupted.

Ranman
11-02-2005, 11:05 PM
President Bush, the First Lady and VP Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force
One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says,"You know, I could throw a
$100 bill out the window right now and makesomebody very happy." Laura shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Cheney, not to be outdone, says, "Well, I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
"Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of
people happy.

Elijahfan
12-02-2005, 04:20 AM
that last one was great.

i think i posted this before on another joke thread but i love it, it had to do with the election:

Practice abstinence (<spelling?), no Bush no Dick

Ranman
12-02-2005, 08:42 AM
A guy walks into a brothel and asks "what do you have to offer"
The madam says a wide selection ranging from 10 bucks to 100 bucks
And tonight we have our once a month special for 500 bucks.
The guy says "I'm a little short right now, I'll take the one
for 10 bucks". So she brings him into a room and there is a stool
in the center with a chicken sitting on it. The guy says "what am I
suppose to do'? She replies "For 10 bucks you get to fuck the chicken"
and she leaves the room. The guy thinks about it for a minute then decides
What the hell and starts fucking the chicken. He starts thinking
to himself this is pretty good. He runs around the room holding
the chicken in front of him trying to get every position possible.
One month later he returns and says "I want the once a month special"
The madam brings him upstairs and into a room with little booths
and windows. He looks down through the window and sees a guy fucking a pig. He yells "what the hell is this"? The guy next to him says "you should
have been here last month, there was a guy fucking a chicken".

Ranman
15-02-2005, 07:37 PM
Here are some of my favorite teeshirts

Ranman
15-02-2005, 07:38 PM
And a few more

hasselbrad
15-02-2005, 09:04 PM
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

SimplyKnightley
16-02-2005, 05:16 AM
are u dumb?

http://asiantown.net/blog/fla/are_you_dumb.swf

apoggy
16-02-2005, 12:53 PM
are u dumb?

http://asiantown.net/blog/fla/are_you_dumb.swf


I wasnt dumb

but that was

Ranman
16-02-2005, 10:46 PM
This will gross out some people but what the hell

The crew on the submarine Enterprise is getting ready for a long
awaited shore leave. They have been out at sea for 18 months
And are eager to get some action especially for crewman Rogers,
who happens to be a virgin. They take him to the local brothel and
tell Rogers " it’s on us, choose any girl you want and do anything
you want with her". So Rogers unwise to the world of sex picks
out a cute girl and goes to her room. When they get there he tells
her this is his first time and he doesn't know what he is doing.
So she tells him you can have regular, doggie style, a blow jog, or 69
he says 69 sounds like fun so lets do that. She gets on top of him
and goes to work and he gets the idea and starts doing her.
After 2 minutes she lets go a smelly fart and his eyes start to water
and has a hard time breathing, but he shakes it off and goes back
to business. A minute later she farts again, this time he throws
her off of him and says sorry maam I can’t take 67 more of those.

Ranman
24-02-2005, 08:27 AM
A guy walks into a bar with two beautiful women on each arm, money
falling out of his pockets and a ten inch man standing on his shoulder.
He sits at the bar and orders a round of drinks for the house. So the
bartender gives everyone a drink. The ten inch man runs down the bar
and kicks over all the drinks. The guy orders another round of drinks
and the ten inch man runs down the bar and kicks over all the drinks
again. The bartender gets pissed off and yells at the guy "What the
fuck is going on?" The guy explains " About a year ago I was walking
on the beach and I found a bottle with a jeannie in it and she gave
me three wishes, My first wish was to be surrounded by beautiful
women for the rest of my life, My second wish was to always have
lots of money'. The bartender says "That explains the women your
here with and you being able to buy so many drinks, what was your
third wish?" The guy says " I asked for a ten inch prick" he points
to the little man and says " And thats what I got"

Foeni
24-02-2005, 01:02 PM
I wasnt dumb

but that was

Agreed.
Ranman, that one was hilarious :icon_lol:

SakoFan
24-02-2005, 04:59 PM
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.

"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"

"That was a moose", the Canadian replied.

"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!"

SakoFan
24-02-2005, 05:02 PM
WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston,
A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Andrew
24-02-2005, 05:35 PM
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of
the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he
would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the
illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and
kills him, that would be a tragedy." No," said Bush, "that would be
an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we
would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking
accident either".

Andrew
28-02-2005, 04:24 PM
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes. "

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever
you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's
okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
Flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the
most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's
the most beautiful woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's
the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that you women never listen!

Jacoby
28-02-2005, 07:14 PM
That is the best thing ever.